the end of the year

It's the last day of the year.. only 8.5 hours, give or take, left. I'm so glad it's over.

This year I think I struggled more than I've ever struggled.. with myself, with other people. I've struggled with my finances, with my ambitions, with my Self really. And I think I've come to some conclusions. Here they are.

You may feel deprived, and you may deprive yourself of things, but there's really no point in this. Look around you - there's so much abundance, even excess, that there's no point in it. If you're feeling deprived then that means that you're preventing yourself from experiencing something that you really need to experience. Perhaps it's not on the same level of experience as before; perhaps the type of experience needs to change, but there's no point in keeping yourself from it. Frame it. Understand it. Live it - absolutely. It's ok.

My version of 'addiction' and everyone else's are very different. When I start to worry about my dependence or interest in something, the chances are that it doesn't have anything to do with being dependent on it - it has to do entirely with my thoughts on the substance/person/experience. Perhaps that's what addiction is. The fact that I can "quit" things very easily is proof that they aren't addictions.. the fact that I continue to obsess about them after I've quit them is a little bit scarier...

Relationships are hard. I don't know that I'll ever come to peace with them. But there are things I've learned about that. If I don't see a guy as my equal, then there's no point. Of course there are those more talented/brilliant/beautiful etc than I - that's not what I mean.. what I mean is.. if we can't hold a similarly minded conversation, if we can't mesh on certain levels without tremendous hardship or me having to dumb down or him having to smarten up (or the other way around) then it's not going to work. If there are games, it won't work. If he expects to be taken care of or controlled or handled it won't work and for christ's sake if he expects for me to support him financially, there's no way in HELL it's going to work.

I have become more aware of my weaknesses and strengths - whether those are in romantic relationships or not. The fact that I've purposefully kept myself away from them and that I've eschewed all dating/sex over the past year is problematic and yet still helpful. To an extent I'm sure there's a LOT more work to do and yet, perhaps, it's time to test the waters. The jury is still out.

I could write about that alone for hours - and probably should.. but I don't right now. My point is that I've learned a lot by not experiencing and yet still have a lot to learn. I'm ok with myself not in a relationship and currently not ok with the idea of myself IN a relationship - so this is where I stand for now.

My mind is scattered of course.

I do resolve one thing for sure for the next year.
I need to take better care of myself. That is a definite.. Mind-body. I want to further myself and my ambitions and that requires dedication that I haven't been giving to myself.. auto-pilot hasn't served me and doesn't intend to serve me in the future.. now it's work time.

so, Happy New Year! to you and yours. Thank you for all you've given me throughout the year.. good and bad.. but honestly, I'm making a conscious decision to let go of the bad. it's time.