My cat is in total rebellion....

I don't have the slightest idea why... You'd think that I'd have some sort of clue.. perhaps she's tired of the upheaval.. perhaps she's tired of odd people walking through her house.. perhaps she's just trying to force me to clean the carpet/change residences/change cat food etc etc... but regardless, she's decided that she has to make a statement.. and that statement has EVERYTHING to do with peeing/pooping on the carpet in the hallway downstairs. Now there's only 1 hallway downstairs and it's how you get to and from everything.. and incidentally, it's right at the base of the stairs.. So she's really got all of her bases covered..
In the last month she's peed on backpacks, shoes, carpet... I'm scared to think of what she'll pee on next...

I was watching Bones the other day and they said something about if something that you've done before doesn't work, that you've got to take a different approach.. Of course we all know this to be true.. there's some merit to "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".. but also included in that would be.. try it.. spin it.. try it again if that doesn't work.. spin it a different way..etc etc until there's success...

I've spent the last month - give or take.. pouring vinegar on my carpet trying to clean it... and yet the cat still pees on the carpet (and is now pooping on the carpet).. Now, it doesn't really smell, except like vinegar.. and I'm super sensitive to smells... so there's some other reason why she's doing it..

So many things "recently", I feel like I've tried and tried to spin them different ways... to take different approaches.. and to make them work.. I've tried bending, tearing, spinning, turning upside down and inside out... and still... nothing gives.. being nice, being mean, being passive-aggressive, being aggressive but not intentionally mean... just being...

I've fought, I've prayed, I've wished, I've filed, I've eaten, I've made myself sick, I've essentially starved, and I've abstained.. and still, STILL I feel as though I haven't progressed EXCEPT in my finding out what does NOT work...

There are times when I want to be handed an answer.. Please PLEASE someone tell me what I need to do to/for my cat to get her to stop doing what she's doing... change the cat litter? move the cat box? change her food? get her a companion (hers died)... whatever... but no one has done this... no one has told me that if I do THIS, this is going to work...

Part of me wants that reassurance...

I want it in my endeavors as well.. Of all the drama/trauma that I've (and the boys) have gone through.. no matter what I seem to do, we're all here still suffering... no matter how hard we try not to suffer we're suffering.. why is that? More keeps happening.. Things fall further apart (or come closer together?) and still we have not arrived... The situations deteriorates.. and there is no "solution".

I react. I respond. I overreact. I overrespond. I don't react. I don't respond.. Where's the happy medium? Is there one? Isn't there something to be said for the "middle path"?

I'm taking this class which honestly isn't teaching me anything scholastically, but is teaching me a lot interpersonally... and that is in observation of other people.. their sensitivities.. mine.. the "opposite" end of the spectrum... We were speaking today about conspiracy theories... I don't really buy into them.. nothing is hidden.. it just may not be publicized... but it's all accessible.. motives are plain.. I didnt' really get into my theory of this.. but anyway... a woman started speaking with great fervor.. she was adamant that there was a "them" and an "us" and "they" were always out to get "us".

The more that I heard her speak, the more fearful I felt, in a sense, and also the more sad I became. How awful that she would feel that sense of fear and anger and anxiety towards a group of people that are truly of no consequence to her. We manufacture this opposition.We create this adversarial nature.

I think that could be said about a lot of things/relationships.

My ex husband is very angry with me. Even though I've never done anything to purposefully hurt him or gone out of my way to anger/upset him.. he's angry with me. I suppose it's his right to be so. Truth be told, I don't know if I could say that I'm angry with him..but I'm saddened and frustrated by his actions... and sometimes that makes me angry.. I feel like he's wronged the boys and robbed them of their childhood... I know that I'm not fully innocent in this either.. I'm sure that there are things that I could have done that would've prevented this. And I'm trying to help them regain it.. to have some positive memories.

I don't know what's going on in his head. The things he says/has said to me, I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. They're cruel and horrible. I can't think of anything that I could've done that would warrant that. I don't reciprocate. But I know he doesn't see it that way.

He lives by fear.. whether it's fear that I'm going to take the boys away or fear that he'll lose them.. of fear that everything that's been said about him is true, I'm not sure.. but he does live in and by fear... and desperation.

I've felt very desperate... with my situation.. financial.. spiritual.. educational.. parenting.. cat-parenting.. I've felt very confined and trapped in so many aspects of my life... to the point that I know that I've acted desperately... part of my desperation has been not knowing how to try things differently to get a response.. to meet a goal... what does that say about how things are going or what state of mind I am in?

I feel like the baby learning how to walk.. I see that the bigger people have the capability to move back and forward on their legs. They can stand on their feet and move forward and back without falling... I have those parts.. I should be able to do those things... and yet no matter how many times I stand and try to mover forward, I still fall.

I am still falling.

I know that living and life is about learning. We cannot learn without experiencing. Rarely are things simply handed to us and accepted. It's never that simple.  Attempting to learn the lesson when it seems elusive is hard.... attempting to force the lesson or the learning is even harder.

What's the solution? I don't know. All I can say is that nothing that I've tried thus far has brought me to the end of that chapter... and so I continue trying.. some days are much worse than others and I'm frustrated and yes, angry... and some days I have perspective.. sometimes that perspective lasts only moments. I'm grateful for this one... no matter how unclear it is.

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans...

My mom keeps trying to quote this... but she changes it.. and claims it for her own... I've corrected her a few times.. Bless her heart... I love my mom.. we have a history..  not all of it is good... but we do.. and well, I owe a lot of who I am to her.. good and a good bit of bad...

but anyway..

I wish I could say that I knew for a moment what was going to happen in the next chapter of my life.. I'm still holding out some hope that things will even out and maybe all the work that I've done over the last year plus won't be in vain.. I am still hoping that to be true... but at this point it doesn't look like that's going to come about.. at least not right now... but I don't know... and the book hasn't been written yet and the door hasn't closed and even if it had, it's not that it couldn't be opened again.

I'm sitting here without my glasses or contacts in and hoping that there aren't 80 million typos as I'm writing this, but generally not caring..

My moods have waxed and waned over the last few days.. up and down and further down and back and forth and I honestly wish that I could say I could blame it on hormones or whatever.. but I can't... at least I don't think tha I can... I would honestly like to say that I feel that I currently have the capability to even them out.. but I don't have the slightest idea how to do that..

I want to let go of the drama...

Having said that.. I thought that I had.. I've been TRYING to consciously release/prevent chaotic and stress-producing situations from happening.. I haven't been fully successful.. and there are some that I've not only walked right into - but welcomed with open arms, balloons, and banners.. but I am trying.. to consciously release...
the problem that I seem to be having is letting go of past situations that don't seem to want to let go of me.. I want, quite badly, to move on... I want to be rid of my ex - all of them... and move forward so I can start something new - a new chapter.. I want to walk away from all of the baggage that I've either held onto, created, or sub/unconsciously kept in one form or another.. I want to be rid of it.. I want to stand on my own 2 feet....

Of course I want to take the boys with me.. but I don't consider them baggage.. we've spent a lovely 10+ days together with little/no interference from anybody and it's been really nice.. Perhaps I didn't get quite as much work done.. but that's part of the walking into drama thing.. I was at least in part, conscious of it...

So, how do I do that? How do I release everything from the past and embrace the future.. no looking back and no holding on...No payment for past mistakes.. no penance.. no suffering from poor decisions... how do I do that?

It seems that the only thing that I can do is try to, not erase the past, but end it.. keep the situations from repeating themselves and also cut as many of the ties as possible... One of my friends told me that I'd never truly be free if I had to depend on my ex for financial support. That's true... Even with as hard as things have been with finances recently, I'm grateful that I've been able to survive (granted it's only been 2 months) without his financial support. I want to be able to be completely on my own... if it's student loans temporarily - so be it... I'm ok with that - I think.. but in the long term, I really need to be on my own.. and the only way to do that is to finish my schooling so I can be out practicing for myself...How do I do that given the current constraints that I'm under?
More importantly, how do I dissolve those current constraints?
How do I release his ability to affect what and where I do what I do? Is this something that I just have to sit and wait for? I'd rather not do that.. I'd rather not be forced into patience - hurrying up and waiting for time to pass and concessions to be made.. I'd rather not sit around and hope.. I'm much more comfortable being in action...

How do I do that?

I'm still having problems with the decision that I've made to start this educational program. It's not what I want. I don't have much in common with the people there. They're older and closed minded - which blows my mind.. there's no room for flexibility with them... which I can't fathom.. there are merits and draw backs to almost everything - especially when it comes to medicine.. that's why you have to evaluate each and every case differently... that's the whole point.. that reminds me.. I need to dig out books tomorrow morning - although one is already in the car...

How do I let go.. or better yet - encourage it to let go of me?
(it has to be aligned with my moral and ehtical code).

I find myself hoping or thinking all kinds of horrible things - along with gentler things.. what if he gets hit by a car when he's driving - that would solve everything... what if he is forced to do this or that? what if he has no choice?
I don't like any of those things.. and I don't like the fact that they come to mind... the truth of the matter is that I don't want anything bad to happen to him.. I just want the release.. I just want to be let go...

I've never figured out what it is that I did to make him so angry with me.. the only thing that I can think of is that I never really loved him.. and that's why he's so mad. He's always reacted badly when he was placed in a corner.. never willing to accept any responsibility for anything.. no blame (although I hate the idea of blame)... and I can see why, given that tidbit of information - that he would be angry.. it's fight or flight... wounded animals become crazy and angry and violent.. I get that... but come on.. somethings' gotta give..

I've never done anything to harm him.. I've never gone out of my way to hurt him... I've even lied for him.. to save his face with the kids or other people.. to protect him.. there are some things that I can't lie about or won't lie about and there are some things that I can't protect him from.. if he acts a certain way.. I can't change how someone interprets that.. I just can't.. if they're offended, then they're offended.. I have nothing to do with it...I know he's convinced that I have everything to do with it.. that I am the one that's perpetuating his issues.. but I'm not... it's beyond me... I'm TRYING to stay out of it..

sometimes I sit idly by, waiting for something to change.. hoping that it will change.. hoping that he will change... and he doesn't.. and then I feel like my hand is forced to do something.. and the insanity happens all over again... how do I deal with that? How do I address what's happening without making it worse? Does it need to be worse? is this what's supposed to happen to "finish" this? Something in my heart tells me  yes.. but I have to wonder why all of this insanity is necessary...

I never wanted this.. I really didn't.. and I don't.. I wanted a simple life... nice old house.. family... christmas dinners and get togethers.. things that I had but didn't have or vice versa... connectedness that I didn't have... fulfillment that I never saw when I was growing up and haven't yet experienced... that's what I wanted.. and I wanted that for my kids.. and I haven't been able to give them any of this... I have to wonder what they will look back on their childhoods and think... about how miserable it was? god I hope not.

I want them to remember sitting and reading christmas stories.. playing yahtzee and board games on the living room floor... tormenting the cat... going to the santa parade.. doing goofy stuff like dressing up for halloween.. or whatever.. that's the stuff I want them to remember.. not being poor and going without.. not fighting.. not us fighting... that's not what I want.. I also don't want them remembering me being overbearing or him being insensitive... I want them to learn what they need to learn.. not remember the hard times...I think this would be the biggest regret of mine regarding their childhoods.. that they ever felt like they were without... or that they felt fear.. or that they felt like something was missing or amiss...

Not Norman Rockwell... but somewhere between Norman and the Simpsons... would that do?

it's 6 am and I'm not asleep

I'd like to say that I have a real reason that I'm not in bed. As I sit here I'm exhausted.. I fell asleep on the couch earlier and slept for a couple of hours. I was very tired and my stomach was full.. this seems to be my "evening" these days... eat.. pass out on the couch.. extract from couch.. crawl up to bed...

I wasn't quite so lucky tonight.

After getting up from said couch and getting ready for bed, I couldn't sleep... so I went to take a bath.. I almost always fall asleep in the tub... no sleep.. I'm sitting here.. not quite to the crying stage of tired but certainly not slap happy... wondering what is going to calm my mind and my body ito sleep.

I haven't found it yet.

There's so much on my mind - from potentially worthless and perhaps costly unnecessary bachelor's degrees to court cases. All of that combined with random neuropathies and a bizarre case of stomach upset. I can't decide whether I should be searching for scholarships, filling out public aid information or randomly searching websites for juicy and interesting tidbits...Of course as I sit here contemplating this, Moose's tail drags bag and forth over my hands making me want to CATapult her off of the computer desk. I wonder if there'll be money for christmas this year.

My mother asked me at least 3 times if there wasn't something else I could do to settle my situation...it got irritating after the first time and after me spending 30 min already explaining to her what I'd been trying to do and what I'd done... Apparently I'm not doing enough. Somehow I think I'm supposed to feel worse about that, although I'm not sure how much more frustration a person can feel. I'm way beyond the "seething" part and certainly approaching borderline homicidal.

I can't imagine how things have gotten this bad.and then again they make perfect sense.... anytime you put your future in someone else's hands then you're, in essence, dooming yourself to disappointment. Sure there's the luck times when you're not disappointed. I can count those on 1 hand. My great thanks to an amazing neurosurgeon and to a friend that's come through for me a couple times in albeit meager crises, but still... The rest are lucky happenstances and exchanges. Perhaps I'm not grateful or acknowledgeing of those enough.. However.. there's one thing that I need to drill into my extremely thick and rather over-sized skull... I have to stand on my own.

I always thought that I was.. independent to a fault.. but in some situations, especially when it comes to money, I haven't stood on my own for years. Unable to be self-sufficient whether it's by food or income....it's frustrating to me to be "without" or to be "beholden" to someone or something else.. I hate it... and yet I've put myself in the position where that's my existence.whether  from the past or future.... Given that dropping off the grid/radar isn't currently an option, I look at what's available to me and think - this is only going to be perpetuated... that really sucks.

My goal is independence.. pure and simple.
My challenge to myself RIGHT NOW is to every day, in some small way, (or big way) work my way towards independence. There will be tradeoffs I have no doubt.. but there's got to be progress.. whether it's making/growing my own food or figuring out how to avoid using/needing something that I thought I needed. I will try to report back on this...

A million thoughts

have run through my ever scattered mind over the last 4 days especially.. and only a few have I taken the time to write down...

A very wise friend of mine told me that I needed to follow my Bliss.. Of course this is something that I know to be true.. but sometimes don't follow in practice.. it's not a hypocritical thing.. just a practical one... but I'm thinking about this more and more... Follow your bliss...Follow your Bliss...

I have in mind what my bliss is... and it's not what I'm doing.. not even close... I have these grande (grande with an e because they're so spectacular) fantasies and plans of things to do... and I have stuck in my mind that that is my bliss...

I have to wonder if I'm being too rigid in those ideals.. although for the life of me right now, I can't think of any alteration that I could make that I WOULD be happy with...

One of my other friends just pointed out to me, when I posed the question on Facebook
"How do you focus on the "now" and still work toward the future? If all we have is "now" then is there no future?" that if you take care of the now, then the future is taken care of as well.. this makes sense..

Now I'm going to go ponder that until I have time to finish this thought...

Today is Election Day...

I used to get all hyper about election days.. but now I no longer give a shit.. maybe that's a bad thing.. but I've seen my "vote" count for nothing too many times to bother now.. the thing that irritates me (besides all the political ads and all of the orphan trashed signs that will be all over the road and sidewalks) is the fact that my "friends" are so gung ho about voting that they're trying to make those who aren't voting feel guilty.. this irritates me.. it makes me no want to vote just to spite them.. and know that if I did vote I'd be cow-towing to them..

I like to have righteous indignation... so I'm going for the not voting... I'm at peace with it now.. anybody that thinks my vote matters and reads this can kiss my ass (but I still love you) and anybody that supports me for not voting can kiss my ass too (but I still love you also).. it was my choice... Informed abstinence... voting celibacy

sounds like something else in my life..

where's the cavalry?

I had the craziest dream last night..

I was waiting for SOMETHING to happen today... something.. I thought to myself, wow, didn't last Monday the world fall in? and as the day went further and further I felt deceptively lucky...

and then I got the mail.

Some "good", some bad, some mistaken, and some I'm not sure.. the bad I was able to deal with fairly easily (thankfully) and I have to finish with that tomorrow...

I would like to be fully independent... I would like to not have to depend on child support or any other supply of money other than what I had earned myself to support myself and my kids... I don't know how I can do that without going back to school... I'm not sure how comfortable I am with being supported by student loans.. and eventually I would like to not have to deal with those either..

On my Own...I've been on my own in so many ways for so long.. so isolated.. so alone.. even when I was married I was alone.. but then I was also lonely.... and now I really don't feel that way... I can't explain it... there's a small part of me that wants to be with others, with someone... but I don't feel like I can be...I don't feel like I can be with someone else until I can stand fully on my own... does that make sense? you can't be with someone until you really know how to be by yourself... how to love yourself...how to appreciate alone and silence and solitude... I do appreciate the silence... I feel it.. I love it.. there's something really amazing about quiet... and also annoying about it... and I've learned that you can have quiet and still have noise..

I like not sharing the bed... and I like the idea of sharing the bed.. but not actually sharing the bed...

I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over again... wasn't this all supposed to be about progress? about thinking and feeling and talking things out so I could get past them and move forward?

I'm going downward.. right? I don't know that I can say conclusively that I'm getting any closer to my goals... it doesn't seem so obvious as things have gotten "worse"... the conditions have deteriorated. things have gone downhill...

what is progress?