I'd like to say that I have a real reason that I'm not in bed. As I sit here I'm exhausted.. I fell asleep on the couch earlier and slept for a couple of hours. I was very tired and my stomach was full.. this seems to be my "evening" these days... eat.. pass out on the couch.. extract from couch.. crawl up to bed...
I wasn't quite so lucky tonight.
After getting up from said couch and getting ready for bed, I couldn't sleep... so I went to take a bath.. I almost always fall asleep in the tub... no sleep.. I'm sitting here.. not quite to the crying stage of tired but certainly not slap happy... wondering what is going to calm my mind and my body ito sleep.
I haven't found it yet.
There's so much on my mind - from potentially worthless and perhaps costly unnecessary bachelor's degrees to court cases. All of that combined with random neuropathies and a bizarre case of stomach upset. I can't decide whether I should be searching for scholarships, filling out public aid information or randomly searching websites for juicy and interesting tidbits...Of course as I sit here contemplating this, Moose's tail drags bag and forth over my hands making me want to CATapult her off of the computer desk. I wonder if there'll be money for christmas this year.
My mother asked me at least 3 times if there wasn't something else I could do to settle my situation...it got irritating after the first time and after me spending 30 min already explaining to her what I'd been trying to do and what I'd done... Apparently I'm not doing enough. Somehow I think I'm supposed to feel worse about that, although I'm not sure how much more frustration a person can feel. I'm way beyond the "seething" part and certainly approaching borderline homicidal.
I can't imagine how things have gotten this bad.and then again they make perfect sense.... anytime you put your future in someone else's hands then you're, in essence, dooming yourself to disappointment. Sure there's the luck times when you're not disappointed. I can count those on 1 hand. My great thanks to an amazing neurosurgeon and to a friend that's come through for me a couple times in albeit meager crises, but still... The rest are lucky happenstances and exchanges. Perhaps I'm not grateful or acknowledgeing of those enough.. However.. there's one thing that I need to drill into my extremely thick and rather over-sized skull... I have to stand on my own.
I always thought that I was.. independent to a fault.. but in some situations, especially when it comes to money, I haven't stood on my own for years. Unable to be self-sufficient whether it's by food or income....it's frustrating to me to be "without" or to be "beholden" to someone or something else.. I hate it... and yet I've put myself in the position where that's my existence.whether from the past or future.... Given that dropping off the grid/radar isn't currently an option, I look at what's available to me and think - this is only going to be perpetuated... that really sucks.
My goal is independence.. pure and simple.
My challenge to myself RIGHT NOW is to every day, in some small way, (or big way) work my way towards independence. There will be tradeoffs I have no doubt.. but there's got to be progress.. whether it's making/growing my own food or figuring out how to avoid using/needing something that I thought I needed. I will try to report back on this...
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