where's the cavalry?

I had the craziest dream last night..

I was waiting for SOMETHING to happen today... something.. I thought to myself, wow, didn't last Monday the world fall in? and as the day went further and further I felt deceptively lucky...

and then I got the mail.

Some "good", some bad, some mistaken, and some I'm not sure.. the bad I was able to deal with fairly easily (thankfully) and I have to finish with that tomorrow...

I would like to be fully independent... I would like to not have to depend on child support or any other supply of money other than what I had earned myself to support myself and my kids... I don't know how I can do that without going back to school... I'm not sure how comfortable I am with being supported by student loans.. and eventually I would like to not have to deal with those either..

On my Own...I've been on my own in so many ways for so long.. so isolated.. so alone.. even when I was married I was alone.. but then I was also lonely.... and now I really don't feel that way... I can't explain it... there's a small part of me that wants to be with others, with someone... but I don't feel like I can be...I don't feel like I can be with someone else until I can stand fully on my own... does that make sense? you can't be with someone until you really know how to be by yourself... how to love yourself...how to appreciate alone and silence and solitude... I do appreciate the silence... I feel it.. I love it.. there's something really amazing about quiet... and also annoying about it... and I've learned that you can have quiet and still have noise..

I like not sharing the bed... and I like the idea of sharing the bed.. but not actually sharing the bed...

I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over again... wasn't this all supposed to be about progress? about thinking and feeling and talking things out so I could get past them and move forward?

I'm going downward.. right? I don't know that I can say conclusively that I'm getting any closer to my goals... it doesn't seem so obvious as things have gotten "worse"... the conditions have deteriorated. things have gone downhill...

what is progress?