I don't have the slightest idea why... You'd think that I'd have some sort of clue.. perhaps she's tired of the upheaval.. perhaps she's tired of odd people walking through her house.. perhaps she's just trying to force me to clean the carpet/change residences/change cat food etc etc... but regardless, she's decided that she has to make a statement.. and that statement has EVERYTHING to do with peeing/pooping on the carpet in the hallway downstairs. Now there's only 1 hallway downstairs and it's how you get to and from everything.. and incidentally, it's right at the base of the stairs.. So she's really got all of her bases covered..
In the last month she's peed on backpacks, shoes, carpet... I'm scared to think of what she'll pee on next...
I was watching Bones the other day and they said something about if something that you've done before doesn't work, that you've got to take a different approach.. Of course we all know this to be true.. there's some merit to "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".. but also included in that would be.. try it.. spin it.. try it again if that doesn't work.. spin it a different way..etc etc until there's success...
I've spent the last month - give or take.. pouring vinegar on my carpet trying to clean it... and yet the cat still pees on the carpet (and is now pooping on the carpet).. Now, it doesn't really smell, except like vinegar.. and I'm super sensitive to smells... so there's some other reason why she's doing it..
So many things "recently", I feel like I've tried and tried to spin them different ways... to take different approaches.. and to make them work.. I've tried bending, tearing, spinning, turning upside down and inside out... and still... nothing gives.. being nice, being mean, being passive-aggressive, being aggressive but not intentionally mean... just being...
I've fought, I've prayed, I've wished, I've filed, I've eaten, I've made myself sick, I've essentially starved, and I've abstained.. and still, STILL I feel as though I haven't progressed EXCEPT in my finding out what does NOT work...
There are times when I want to be handed an answer.. Please PLEASE someone tell me what I need to do to/for my cat to get her to stop doing what she's doing... change the cat litter? move the cat box? change her food? get her a companion (hers died)... whatever... but no one has done this... no one has told me that if I do THIS, this is going to work...
Part of me wants that reassurance...
I want it in my endeavors as well.. Of all the drama/trauma that I've (and the boys) have gone through.. no matter what I seem to do, we're all here still suffering... no matter how hard we try not to suffer we're suffering.. why is that? More keeps happening.. Things fall further apart (or come closer together?) and still we have not arrived... The situations deteriorates.. and there is no "solution".
I react. I respond. I overreact. I overrespond. I don't react. I don't respond.. Where's the happy medium? Is there one? Isn't there something to be said for the "middle path"?
I'm taking this class which honestly isn't teaching me anything scholastically, but is teaching me a lot interpersonally... and that is in observation of other people.. their sensitivities.. mine.. the "opposite" end of the spectrum... We were speaking today about conspiracy theories... I don't really buy into them.. nothing is hidden.. it just may not be publicized... but it's all accessible.. motives are plain.. I didnt' really get into my theory of this.. but anyway... a woman started speaking with great fervor.. she was adamant that there was a "them" and an "us" and "they" were always out to get "us".
The more that I heard her speak, the more fearful I felt, in a sense, and also the more sad I became. How awful that she would feel that sense of fear and anger and anxiety towards a group of people that are truly of no consequence to her. We manufacture this opposition.We create this adversarial nature.
I think that could be said about a lot of things/relationships.
My ex husband is very angry with me. Even though I've never done anything to purposefully hurt him or gone out of my way to anger/upset him.. he's angry with me. I suppose it's his right to be so. Truth be told, I don't know if I could say that I'm angry with him..but I'm saddened and frustrated by his actions... and sometimes that makes me angry.. I feel like he's wronged the boys and robbed them of their childhood... I know that I'm not fully innocent in this either.. I'm sure that there are things that I could have done that would've prevented this. And I'm trying to help them regain it.. to have some positive memories.
I don't know what's going on in his head. The things he says/has said to me, I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. They're cruel and horrible. I can't think of anything that I could've done that would warrant that. I don't reciprocate. But I know he doesn't see it that way.
He lives by fear.. whether it's fear that I'm going to take the boys away or fear that he'll lose them.. of fear that everything that's been said about him is true, I'm not sure.. but he does live in and by fear... and desperation.
I've felt very desperate... with my situation.. financial.. spiritual.. educational.. parenting.. cat-parenting.. I've felt very confined and trapped in so many aspects of my life... to the point that I know that I've acted desperately... part of my desperation has been not knowing how to try things differently to get a response.. to meet a goal... what does that say about how things are going or what state of mind I am in?
I feel like the baby learning how to walk.. I see that the bigger people have the capability to move back and forward on their legs. They can stand on their feet and move forward and back without falling... I have those parts.. I should be able to do those things... and yet no matter how many times I stand and try to mover forward, I still fall.
I am still falling.
I know that living and life is about learning. We cannot learn without experiencing. Rarely are things simply handed to us and accepted. It's never that simple. Attempting to learn the lesson when it seems elusive is hard.... attempting to force the lesson or the learning is even harder.
What's the solution? I don't know. All I can say is that nothing that I've tried thus far has brought me to the end of that chapter... and so I continue trying.. some days are much worse than others and I'm frustrated and yes, angry... and some days I have perspective.. sometimes that perspective lasts only moments. I'm grateful for this one... no matter how unclear it is.
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