Why is it?

Why is it when you've got a lot on your mind that you can't focus on anything?

Just when I think I can't handle anything else.. something else comes up for me to handle (not handle).
At some point I'd like to really and truly believe that perhaps either I can't handle anything else and so nothing else will come to me to deal with OR resolution of issues allows me to deal with what's going on...

I came across some writing that I did 2 years ago, that I think I already mentioned... I was completely overwhelmed in the writing.. talking about not retaining anything that I was trying to study...

I'm dealing easily with 10 x the amount of stuff now that I was then.. I'm lucky I can remember my name. The things that I need to focus on (work), I can't.. I can't make myself do them...
I have the profound need to resolve 1 issue (ONE) - the most pressing one (or at least the most immediate or obvious one).. and yet I can't.. because it requires patience...ahhh patience.. my arch enemy.. it's not my ex husband.. it's patience.. I've never been very good at waiting.. or hurrying up and waiting.. or any form of time based resolution...

I always wished, in a sense, that I could be one of those people that could say.. "ok.. if I do this and this and this.. this HUGE problem will work itself out.. so I should try not to worry about it.. just lay the groundwork for it to happen, and then go about my business with other stuff..."

yeah.. um.. no...

so, here I sit.. with the things that I "know" that I need to do right in front of me... trying to 'write off some steam' whilst I hurry up and wait for other things to happen..

I have to wonder though, if my impatience has anything to do with my need for the dramatic...do I perpetuate the drama (even if it's "little things") by always feeling that anxiety of needing/wanting things to be done RIGHT NOW...?

how does one find enough peace in herself (because it's me and I don't want to use the proper politically correct pronouns) to be able to let the drama truly go, deal with whatever situation comes up without crisis (even though theoretically it IS a crisis) and move on... how does one (dammit with those pronouns) live her (ha!) life without getting caught up in and therefore attracting the chaos?

If I were to ever say I was "envious" of anyone it would be in 2 categories.. the first in people that have seemingly perfect relationships.. what are you smoking? how do you pull that off? or are/were you just smarter than I was in the first place and figured out how to spin things so you'd have the "perfect" partner?
and the second is watching people that have issues, but don't have issues...LIVE their lives... how do they do it? what do they know that I don't know? what are they not getting caught up in that I am? how have they spun their priorities such that none of this drama happens to them (or they don't succomb to it)...?

I said to someone about a week ago (maybe 2) that even though everybody looks like they've got their life together, it's all a farce.. it's a mask.. everybody has issues... people used to say that they were in awe of me because I was going to school and working and had kids and was married etc... that I must really have my shit straight.. but I was SOOOO miserable! Everything was a mess.. a disaster.. I was so unhappy...nothing ever seemed to go "right".. there was no balance...a total mess.. but to other people on the outside, I guess it all looked "right" and effortless... I wondered what they were smoking... the only thing I can say about my life right now is that not only does it not look effortless or that I don't have anything together.. I'm a total mess.. and everybody knows it.. no more masks, as it were... go figure.

I don't know if I should be proud of that or not..I guess when I resolved, a couple of years ago, to try to "marry" my personna with my reality that I didn't understand the fullest extent of how that would go down.. maybe now I do.. frightening really... how that comes together..

So I think I need to do something about this... I need to come up with a way (better way) of prioritizing my drama so that I can handle things without them getting to me.. AND be able to do the things that I NEED to do so they also don't get out of hand.. AND figure out how to get rid of the drama entirely.. in other words.. it's just shit that happens.. perhaps not the same shit and different day but different shit and a different day.. and that's ok.. wipe, rinse, and repeat...

so what's the challenge?

to lay out the problems that I'm dealing with right now.. and if I can't come up with a fluid plan to try to deal with them, then at least a step one so that I feel like I'm accomplishing something...
I need to categorize the "problems" as immediate issues and long term.. and handle each one differently...
and so that's how it's going to begin...

I used to be....

into guys that were into me.. but now I hate everyone equally...

actually it struck me when I started to write the title..."I used to be..." about a million things that I used to be.. that I'm not anymore...

I used to be...
rich
talented
famous (not really but sorta)
loved(no, but it just came out)
wealthy
interesting
happy (no but that just came out too)
intriguing
mysterious
thinner
smart
funny
available(that means other things than what you're thinking)
sexy
powerful
married
dating
ambitious
qualified
accepted (again, different meaning)
adored (eh? maybe)
loving
passionate


oh, that's enough..
some of those things I suppose I still am, but in a different way... I guess in everyone's "evolution" we go through rough patches.. I think I'm in mine...I hope that if in everyone's life there is the pinnacle of one horribly difficult time, that this is mine.. even at times when I thought it was rough, it never seemed anywhere near as difficult as this...

With all that I'm going through.. and all that I've been... I guess I can say
that
I am...
grateful
lucky
hopeful
gifted
talented
ambitious
creative
compassionate
working
desirous
protected
healing
learning
intelligent (although it doesn't always feel that way)
sleepy
still going
still working
still planning
still trying

I guess that's what makes all the difference.. All of the rest of it may fall away, and maybe even those things that I "am" will fall away as well and be replaced by hopefully newer and better things... but what I am right now, makes all the difference.

what goes up, must come down...

I never know who I'm going to see when I look in the mirror.. half of the time I swear that I have no clue who the person is on the other side.. doesn't look like me at all...

I got some news today that I was hoping I'd never get and yet it didn't surprise me at all... I am a statistic.. and the person that I keep hoping won't disappoint me, but always does, has disappointed me again...After this happens, I always think I should stop being disappointed and stop getting my hopes up...  but I guess I WANT to think that maybe if I keep hoping that someday I won't be disappointed...sad, I know.

I spoke to my mother briefly today and she said that it looks like we've hit rock bottom.. she's said that before...

It's hard for me to contemplate how much has changed over the last 10 years...  I had NO CLUE of any of this 10 years ago.... not even an inkling of a clue..

I suspect that I have no clue of what might happen 10 years from now either.. I hope it goes the other direction from the way it has been going.. on the upswing... I don't know if I would've called where I was 10 years ago "up" from where I am now.. but it certainly seemed easier...oblivion can be helpful in some situations....I'm praying for progress.

sometimes I think we get what we get in life because we expect it.. sometimes I think we get what we get in life because we have no clue  what to expect or what we want...I know that 10 years ago I hadn't given any thought to what I wanted or where I wanted to be in 10 years.. maybe I thought I'd have another kid - I'd just had one... maybe I thought I'd still be living in the big house on the hill, married, driving whatever kind of car I was driving... with no degree.. and no ambition...

now I think I know what I want.. there may be some variation on this.. but here goes..
I want to "finish" my education and get my doctorate... I want to really establish my family - and all that that entails...whether it's a partner/lover, another child, friends, relatives, whatever... I want a home base - someplace to call my own.. a sanctuary.. solace...I want some security...some financial stability... I'm not talking about riches necessarily.. I just don't want to worry about anybody going hungry or not having a roof over their head.. I don't want to worry about not being able to pay bills...I want direction and ambition...and purpose..

Right now I'm struggling with who and what I am.. that sounds really odd.. as if I decided I'm a lesbian or an alien or something else... I'm neither of those things - at least to my knowledge... I'm struggling with my state of mind... the insecurity and fear and lack of safety... I've had to do things as of late that I never thought I'd have to do in my life... and there may be more of that to come in the future.. but I hope not.. I hope that things will turn around.. I'm praying that things will turn around... I'm trying to lay the groundwork for things to turn around....I feel like I have to an extent....

I want to continue....to find clarity and purpose and hope...is that a good ambition for 10 years?

Blast from the Past

I'm cleaning up an old computer... well, cleaning it out in the hopes of either scrapping it or getting it to run properly and fixing it... it's harder than I thought it would be.. it would help if I had a clue what the hell I was doing..

I've come across writings and ramblings from almost exactly 2 years ago... I was post-fucked-up assumed relationship... still fresh in my head what had happened.. still profoundly confused and profoundly delusional... it's hard to read my thoughts about stuff like that... and at the same time.. I seemed so much clearer than I am now...

regardless of what was said there.. it doesn't seem as though I've made a whole lot of progress since then, I'm sorry to say... I was venting my frustrations about my schooling (now defunct - at least in that department), my relationship (non-existent), my children and their father (in even worse shape than before), and my thoughts on being alone, unfulfilled, and confused in general.. it's a wonder I'm able to put one foot in front of the other...

There are some things that I've at least figured out  where I "think" I stand... I have no answers for the children and their father... I've tried.. I'm trying.. I'm trying to figure out how to mend what's happened to them.. I'm trying to figure out how to buffer their father's actions/reactions towards them and towards me... I'm trying to figure out how to minimize my reaction to his actions towards them and towards me...I'm still trying to find my way to my education/career - even though I've thought that I knew where I was going in that respect...at least moreso where I want to go as of late..

Relationships are another thing entirely...Some things I think I can say clearly.. and these are they...
I don't know if I can share my space with someone else... I really like my privacy.. I think I've never really felt like I've truly had any.. and I don't know that I could give that up... Only once when I've "looked forward" have I ever seen someone else in my space.. before and throughout my marriage I always looked to the future and saw myself alone.. and I was ok with it...
So I don't know how having someone in my life over the long haul would work.. I'm not saying that I'm completely opposed to it.. I'm just not sure I could deal with it all that well.. I'm undecided...and I think that contributes to my conflict.
2. It's really hard for me to commit to anything or anyone... at least at this stage in my life... part of that has to do with the above.. and the other part has to do with not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing... some moments I want to hunker down in a house in the Pacific Northwest with a cat and perhaps a lover and another child... and sometimes I want to travel the world... the only thing that I can say is that my life has to be dynamic... not chaotic per se.. but dynamic.. because chaos doesn't suit me.. and normalcy is boring... I never much aspired to being normal... as they say in the movies.. I think it rather denotes a lack of courage...for anyone to come into my life, they need to accept that about me... that things will always be changing... like the wind and the water they have to flow with the tides... people only become more or less of who they actually are.. although I hope that I'm going towards the more side rather than the less.
3. stifling a part of myself probably wasn't the best answer... but stifling rather than stumbling blindly was a better choice.. and I'm glad for that.. 2 things happened a year ago... I started trying to make myself as unattractive as humanly possible by not taking care of myself ( this was partly conscious and partly unconscious) and I tried to shut a part of myself off by not allowing anyone to touch me... no sex. In fact, I've only allowed one person to kiss me in the last year... or close to that... and he doesn't even remember.. Through a profound lack of intimacy and a profound lack of expression of my essence, I've really hurt myself... I think that one of the reasons that things haven't "moved" as much for me is because I'm not moving... and that's a huge mistake. I stopped dancing.. I stopped exercising.. I stopped fucking... I stopped any attempt at making love to myself or anyone else... BOBs aside, there's been no 2nd chakra activity... The only positive that I can say about that is this... I was being far too indiscriminate with my body before.. there were some good things about that... in experiencing what I know that wasn't good for me... and experimenting, in a way, with what I hadn't experienced before... but I can say that it was a rare day that I felt better about myself in the morning.. proud of what I'd just done... excited about who I'd just met.. and hopeful about a future with that person - no matter how long that future might be...
Breaking that cycle was a good thing...it mightn't have needed to be that long (and still on going) but it did need to happen.. I needed to re-evaluate where I was going... and I'm glad I did... the challenge comes in the arena of allowing myself to move and to open up again.... a lot needs to change in that department... the next one - the next step, will likely be very difficult....
4. sometimes we get what we ask for... I asked for that lover 2 years ago.. I did.. i asked for everything about him.. from his sense of adventure to his beautiful body.. and I loved him.. I really did.. perhaps I love him still.. and that's a hard thing for me to get past... perhaps all future lovers will be weighed against him... but I know a few things now that I can't deal with ... I can't deal with someone that leaves.. I can't operate under any false pretenses.. and I can't be the "other"... the last thing I want to hear from a lover is that they weigh whomever they're with against their experience with me... if that's the case.. they should just be with me.. unless of course, I was the one that set them free... I never want to get involved with someone that's going to leave me like he did... body mind and spirit.. I can't handle it... breaking up is one thing.. being used is another... I suppose it was mutual... but it's hard to release with the experience of releasing and abandonment.

I'm sure there are other things that I've learned throughout all of this... but that's enough to start with... I hope to get more caught up with my writing this week.. I'm trying to keep that promise to myself.

reasons to stay unhappy

So, I've been reading these articles on being unhappy.. I don't remember exactly the search criteria that I used to start out with.. it was something about gaining happiness.. but instead I received back an article on reasons why people are unhappy... and so I've been doing research on that...

The reasons include things like, having no direction, living someone else's purpose, being afraid, eating a crappy diet, lacking gratitude, having poor relationships... and the more that I read, the more I wonder why I'm not perched on top of the building threatening to jump off... One article that I read said that refusing to leave the house (figuratively of course) and staying by yourself was a surefire way to become/stay unhappy...interesting..

so my thought on all of this is...what makes me unhappy? maybe if I define what makes me unhappy, I'll be able to figure out what might make me happy.. I'm grasping here, I know.. but if I defined the negative - acknowledged it, and then treated it for what it was - just another perspective - then maybe, possibly, I could make some serious attempts and turning things around...

here's a few to get you started:
- I hate my job. I never wanted to do what I'm doing in the first place - and I did it for 10 years.. now I'm doing it again.. I still hate it... I'm wondering why I even bothered going back to school if I ended up doing the same stupid thing (but now for less pay)
- I hate my financial situation. See the job problem.. See relationships/ex husband
- I hate my relationship situations. I really don't have any close friends.. I realize that this is a choice. I don't have a lover (also by choice), or a boyfriend (by choice), or really any people to hang out with on a regular basis... and even though those things are choices, they may not be the best choices. I think we all need people to share our lives with - in whatever capacity we need them...
- I hate dealing with my ex-husband. And I hate my kids having to deal with my ex-husband. I do.. I don't want to see/hear about/from him ever again... Yes I realize that there are sacrifices that I would have to make for that to come true.. but I think I'm willing to make them. The boys and I have suffered so much because of his actions, and because of our responses to his actions. Regardless, no one should have to put up with that.. even if we react positively...

I'm sure I'll write more later.
What do you think?

Playing ketchup (catch up)

I realized today that of all things that I'm good and bad at.. I'm not good at keeping promises to myself.... I've had a lot of thoughts and even done some writing that I meant to post on here.. and then didn't... so, I'm going to try to play catch up by doing multiple posts over the next few days...We'll see what happens.

Last night I broke a platter.. It wasn't just any platter.. it was a wedding present. Now, in general, you'd think that a plate that someone got 17 years ago from a failed marriage wouldn't be something that you'd really care to keep.. and frankly, it was probably one of the only, if not the only wedding present that I still had. Even things that I acquired during the marriage I've gotten rid of.. very very few things are still around, and in my next relocation, they'll probably fall by the way-side entirely.. whether it's plates or furniture...

but that plate.. *sigh* that plate was a little bit special.. I always liked it... it was a gift from the family that would've been my guardians had something happened to my parents when I was growing up.. it's held turkey cakes and thanksgiving turkeys and birthday concoctions...so when it slipped out of the cabinet and started to break.. it made me a little bit sad... it also made me sad to put the remains of it in the garbage.. I wonder how long they'll take to break down..

I thought my youngest son was going to cry.."but you loved that plate, mommy?".. I guess I did... and his next response was... "well, that gives you an excuse to go to Ikea". I had to chuckle just a little bit there...

It sure does feel like it's time to let go of so many things... I wish I had some concept of what all to let go of... there are some things that I know that I'd be better off without... weight, phobias, insecurities, fear, control....or the desire for control more importantly...some are easier to let go of than others...

it's easy to sit by and say all of those things and so much harder to actually do them... I'm trying to get into the mindset of really writing down what I want out of my life and in my life (out meaning 2 different things - what do I want to get from life and what do I want to remove from it).

Do I know? Does anybody know what they really want? I think some people do. At different times in my life I think that I've known what I wanted.. and that's made the goal so much easier.... let nothing - no complication or "tragedy" stand in your way...

I am fighting a battle and I'd rather not fight.. not that I still don't want to "win".. I would just rather not fight...Right now I need to make some decisions but I don't know what they are and I don't have any basis to make them on...
I've got way too many loose ends to tie up and none of the shoe laces seem to want to be tied.. or perhaps, maybe, I'm not ready to tie them... either way, it's very confusing... and I'm struggling...
I'd love it if things were more clear...

Why?

Why should we ever care about what other people think? When it comes down to it.. caring about what someone else thinks of you only seems to offer pain, is that not true?

I recently had the displeasure of turning down a proposition from a gentleman. I'm being nice of course, and I let him down quite easy. I wasn't even remotely attracted to him and there wasn't anything that he could or I could do to change that. I knew he wasn't the type of person that I would consider spending time with, at least at this point in the game, so I VERY gently declined his offer. He got angry and called me a cold-hearted bitch.

Why does this bother me?

I should be able to say.. wow, um.. yeah.. more reasons why this person and I would not have made a good match.. but for some ungodly reason, I feel bad about it.

I'm reminded now of a friend that I have a very odd relationship with.. whose behavior perplexes me, but whom I find oddly attractive... I wished him a happy birthday - because today is his birthday.. and it occurred to me after I sent him the message that I sent - I wonder if he'll take offense to it..

Why should I care? What issue is it of mine if someone misinterprets my well-wishes or gentle words or whatever you want to call them?

Now I'm not sure, given the hour, that I'm fully able to contemplate the merits of this issue.. but I'm going to give it a shot... Is it society that conditions us to think that what others think about us is imperative to our   social, physical, and emotional well being (spiritual?)? Does it come from somewhere else?

There are some things about myself that I'm entirely willing to turn to another person and say "look.. if you don't like this about me, you can just go fuck yourself. I know that I'm worthy/talented/whatever and if you don't like it - kiss my ass".  But if I feel that I'm getting some form of disapproval - if someone is actively giving me negativity, then that really bothers me... WHY? WHY? why?

It just doesn't make any sense, does it?

When it comes to lovers, of course you want your lover to approve of you. You want him (in my case) to love you and appreciate you, and care about you regardless of some strange characteristic that you've got going on. Maybe that's delusional to feel that way? After all, you can't be in someone's good graces all of the time.. right?

When we're growing up, we want so badly and I suppose are conditioned so, to ask for/earn other people's approval.. it starts with our parents, then teachers, then friends at school.. and as we get older - employers, friends, co-workers, lovers... but it can't be healthy to determine your self worth on whether someone feels good about you or something you did.. or whether they feel bad about you or something that you did.

The heart wants what the heart wants. I think this issue will be explored again....

what if one event changed it all?

I find myself holding in my head and perhaps my heart, the idea that one event will change everything. It will change my focus, my "luck", my path, my everything.. and for all intents and purposes, I'm sitting around waiting for that event to occur...

What the hell am I waiting for?

For the perfect man to walk up to me at the venue of my choice.
For my ex-husband to back off and let me go my own way.
For my financial issues to dissolve.
For those extra pounds to melt away.
For the house to clean itself.
For the dishes to do themselves.
For the cooking to bake itself...
For the world to fix itself.
For a family to build itself.

But none of that is happening.

Despite all my grand ambitions of being an enlightened soul, it seems I'm just a different kind of drone...
just slogging through my life hoping that things will work out.
I'm hearing people say to just have faith that things will work out.. but I find it hard to sit back and wait, and not do anything. I think I'm used to (historically), putting forth much less effort and still getting the desired result.
I'm perplexed by this and it's making me doubt myself even more.

The other question that I have for the night is.. if the wrong kind of men are attracted to me..  undesirable men by my standards... what is wrong with me that makes me attractive to them?
And then I think about where I'm meeting these people (or where they're meeting me)... and it all makes sense...how can I expect to find someone that is "like" me when I am not places that I am truly comfortable? It's like a pagan going to church... a virgin going to strip club... it just doesn't work...

But.. where do I go.. ? what do I do?

I'm still here

The soap opera.. no.. made for tv movie, continues.. we're nearing mini-series status.
In case you were wondering why I haven't been keeping up my end of the deal, my computer died.. just got it fixed.. about 10 days off... I've done writing which I'll have to transcribe into the blog..

But the jist of everything is this..
when things get tough, you have 2 options. you can laugh, or you can cry. I'd prefer to laugh..

and so, hopefully, it shall continue.

I extended myself to someone and I thought they were going to disappoint me.. I really did... and at the 11th hour they came through.. I'm so grateful and so pleased and so honored... I was talking earlier in the evening about being disappointed.. and then I wasn't.. I LOVE it when I'm wrong about stuff like that.. love it..

:)