I'm cleaning up an old computer... well, cleaning it out in the hopes of either scrapping it or getting it to run properly and fixing it... it's harder than I thought it would be.. it would help if I had a clue what the hell I was doing..
I've come across writings and ramblings from almost exactly 2 years ago... I was post-fucked-up assumed relationship... still fresh in my head what had happened.. still profoundly confused and profoundly delusional... it's hard to read my thoughts about stuff like that... and at the same time.. I seemed so much clearer than I am now...
regardless of what was said there.. it doesn't seem as though I've made a whole lot of progress since then, I'm sorry to say... I was venting my frustrations about my schooling (now defunct - at least in that department), my relationship (non-existent), my children and their father (in even worse shape than before), and my thoughts on being alone, unfulfilled, and confused in general.. it's a wonder I'm able to put one foot in front of the other...
There are some things that I've at least figured out where I "think" I stand... I have no answers for the children and their father... I've tried.. I'm trying.. I'm trying to figure out how to mend what's happened to them.. I'm trying to figure out how to buffer their father's actions/reactions towards them and towards me... I'm trying to figure out how to minimize my reaction to his actions towards them and towards me...I'm still trying to find my way to my education/career - even though I've thought that I knew where I was going in that respect...at least moreso where I want to go as of late..
Relationships are another thing entirely...Some things I think I can say clearly.. and these are they...
I don't know if I can share my space with someone else... I really like my privacy.. I think I've never really felt like I've truly had any.. and I don't know that I could give that up... Only once when I've "looked forward" have I ever seen someone else in my space.. before and throughout my marriage I always looked to the future and saw myself alone.. and I was ok with it...
So I don't know how having someone in my life over the long haul would work.. I'm not saying that I'm completely opposed to it.. I'm just not sure I could deal with it all that well.. I'm undecided...and I think that contributes to my conflict.
2. It's really hard for me to commit to anything or anyone... at least at this stage in my life... part of that has to do with the above.. and the other part has to do with not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing... some moments I want to hunker down in a house in the Pacific Northwest with a cat and perhaps a lover and another child... and sometimes I want to travel the world... the only thing that I can say is that my life has to be dynamic... not chaotic per se.. but dynamic.. because chaos doesn't suit me.. and normalcy is boring... I never much aspired to being normal... as they say in the movies.. I think it rather denotes a lack of courage...for anyone to come into my life, they need to accept that about me... that things will always be changing... like the wind and the water they have to flow with the tides... people only become more or less of who they actually are.. although I hope that I'm going towards the more side rather than the less.
3. stifling a part of myself probably wasn't the best answer... but stifling rather than stumbling blindly was a better choice.. and I'm glad for that.. 2 things happened a year ago... I started trying to make myself as unattractive as humanly possible by not taking care of myself ( this was partly conscious and partly unconscious) and I tried to shut a part of myself off by not allowing anyone to touch me... no sex. In fact, I've only allowed one person to kiss me in the last year... or close to that... and he doesn't even remember.. Through a profound lack of intimacy and a profound lack of expression of my essence, I've really hurt myself... I think that one of the reasons that things haven't "moved" as much for me is because I'm not moving... and that's a huge mistake. I stopped dancing.. I stopped exercising.. I stopped fucking... I stopped any attempt at making love to myself or anyone else... BOBs aside, there's been no 2nd chakra activity... The only positive that I can say about that is this... I was being far too indiscriminate with my body before.. there were some good things about that... in experiencing what I know that wasn't good for me... and experimenting, in a way, with what I hadn't experienced before... but I can say that it was a rare day that I felt better about myself in the morning.. proud of what I'd just done... excited about who I'd just met.. and hopeful about a future with that person - no matter how long that future might be...
Breaking that cycle was a good thing...it mightn't have needed to be that long (and still on going) but it did need to happen.. I needed to re-evaluate where I was going... and I'm glad I did... the challenge comes in the arena of allowing myself to move and to open up again.... a lot needs to change in that department... the next one - the next step, will likely be very difficult....
4. sometimes we get what we ask for... I asked for that lover 2 years ago.. I did.. i asked for everything about him.. from his sense of adventure to his beautiful body.. and I loved him.. I really did.. perhaps I love him still.. and that's a hard thing for me to get past... perhaps all future lovers will be weighed against him... but I know a few things now that I can't deal with ... I can't deal with someone that leaves.. I can't operate under any false pretenses.. and I can't be the "other"... the last thing I want to hear from a lover is that they weigh whomever they're with against their experience with me... if that's the case.. they should just be with me.. unless of course, I was the one that set them free... I never want to get involved with someone that's going to leave me like he did... body mind and spirit.. I can't handle it... breaking up is one thing.. being used is another... I suppose it was mutual... but it's hard to release with the experience of releasing and abandonment.
I'm sure there are other things that I've learned throughout all of this... but that's enough to start with... I hope to get more caught up with my writing this week.. I'm trying to keep that promise to myself.
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