Why?

Why should we ever care about what other people think? When it comes down to it.. caring about what someone else thinks of you only seems to offer pain, is that not true?

I recently had the displeasure of turning down a proposition from a gentleman. I'm being nice of course, and I let him down quite easy. I wasn't even remotely attracted to him and there wasn't anything that he could or I could do to change that. I knew he wasn't the type of person that I would consider spending time with, at least at this point in the game, so I VERY gently declined his offer. He got angry and called me a cold-hearted bitch.

Why does this bother me?

I should be able to say.. wow, um.. yeah.. more reasons why this person and I would not have made a good match.. but for some ungodly reason, I feel bad about it.

I'm reminded now of a friend that I have a very odd relationship with.. whose behavior perplexes me, but whom I find oddly attractive... I wished him a happy birthday - because today is his birthday.. and it occurred to me after I sent him the message that I sent - I wonder if he'll take offense to it..

Why should I care? What issue is it of mine if someone misinterprets my well-wishes or gentle words or whatever you want to call them?

Now I'm not sure, given the hour, that I'm fully able to contemplate the merits of this issue.. but I'm going to give it a shot... Is it society that conditions us to think that what others think about us is imperative to our   social, physical, and emotional well being (spiritual?)? Does it come from somewhere else?

There are some things about myself that I'm entirely willing to turn to another person and say "look.. if you don't like this about me, you can just go fuck yourself. I know that I'm worthy/talented/whatever and if you don't like it - kiss my ass".  But if I feel that I'm getting some form of disapproval - if someone is actively giving me negativity, then that really bothers me... WHY? WHY? why?

It just doesn't make any sense, does it?

When it comes to lovers, of course you want your lover to approve of you. You want him (in my case) to love you and appreciate you, and care about you regardless of some strange characteristic that you've got going on. Maybe that's delusional to feel that way? After all, you can't be in someone's good graces all of the time.. right?

When we're growing up, we want so badly and I suppose are conditioned so, to ask for/earn other people's approval.. it starts with our parents, then teachers, then friends at school.. and as we get older - employers, friends, co-workers, lovers... but it can't be healthy to determine your self worth on whether someone feels good about you or something you did.. or whether they feel bad about you or something that you did.

The heart wants what the heart wants. I think this issue will be explored again....