Why is it?

Why is it when you've got a lot on your mind that you can't focus on anything?

Just when I think I can't handle anything else.. something else comes up for me to handle (not handle).
At some point I'd like to really and truly believe that perhaps either I can't handle anything else and so nothing else will come to me to deal with OR resolution of issues allows me to deal with what's going on...

I came across some writing that I did 2 years ago, that I think I already mentioned... I was completely overwhelmed in the writing.. talking about not retaining anything that I was trying to study...

I'm dealing easily with 10 x the amount of stuff now that I was then.. I'm lucky I can remember my name. The things that I need to focus on (work), I can't.. I can't make myself do them...
I have the profound need to resolve 1 issue (ONE) - the most pressing one (or at least the most immediate or obvious one).. and yet I can't.. because it requires patience...ahhh patience.. my arch enemy.. it's not my ex husband.. it's patience.. I've never been very good at waiting.. or hurrying up and waiting.. or any form of time based resolution...

I always wished, in a sense, that I could be one of those people that could say.. "ok.. if I do this and this and this.. this HUGE problem will work itself out.. so I should try not to worry about it.. just lay the groundwork for it to happen, and then go about my business with other stuff..."

yeah.. um.. no...

so, here I sit.. with the things that I "know" that I need to do right in front of me... trying to 'write off some steam' whilst I hurry up and wait for other things to happen..

I have to wonder though, if my impatience has anything to do with my need for the dramatic...do I perpetuate the drama (even if it's "little things") by always feeling that anxiety of needing/wanting things to be done RIGHT NOW...?

how does one find enough peace in herself (because it's me and I don't want to use the proper politically correct pronouns) to be able to let the drama truly go, deal with whatever situation comes up without crisis (even though theoretically it IS a crisis) and move on... how does one (dammit with those pronouns) live her (ha!) life without getting caught up in and therefore attracting the chaos?

If I were to ever say I was "envious" of anyone it would be in 2 categories.. the first in people that have seemingly perfect relationships.. what are you smoking? how do you pull that off? or are/were you just smarter than I was in the first place and figured out how to spin things so you'd have the "perfect" partner?
and the second is watching people that have issues, but don't have issues...LIVE their lives... how do they do it? what do they know that I don't know? what are they not getting caught up in that I am? how have they spun their priorities such that none of this drama happens to them (or they don't succomb to it)...?

I said to someone about a week ago (maybe 2) that even though everybody looks like they've got their life together, it's all a farce.. it's a mask.. everybody has issues... people used to say that they were in awe of me because I was going to school and working and had kids and was married etc... that I must really have my shit straight.. but I was SOOOO miserable! Everything was a mess.. a disaster.. I was so unhappy...nothing ever seemed to go "right".. there was no balance...a total mess.. but to other people on the outside, I guess it all looked "right" and effortless... I wondered what they were smoking... the only thing I can say about my life right now is that not only does it not look effortless or that I don't have anything together.. I'm a total mess.. and everybody knows it.. no more masks, as it were... go figure.

I don't know if I should be proud of that or not..I guess when I resolved, a couple of years ago, to try to "marry" my personna with my reality that I didn't understand the fullest extent of how that would go down.. maybe now I do.. frightening really... how that comes together..

So I think I need to do something about this... I need to come up with a way (better way) of prioritizing my drama so that I can handle things without them getting to me.. AND be able to do the things that I NEED to do so they also don't get out of hand.. AND figure out how to get rid of the drama entirely.. in other words.. it's just shit that happens.. perhaps not the same shit and different day but different shit and a different day.. and that's ok.. wipe, rinse, and repeat...

so what's the challenge?

to lay out the problems that I'm dealing with right now.. and if I can't come up with a fluid plan to try to deal with them, then at least a step one so that I feel like I'm accomplishing something...
I need to categorize the "problems" as immediate issues and long term.. and handle each one differently...
and so that's how it's going to begin...