I never know who I'm going to see when I look in the mirror.. half of the time I swear that I have no clue who the person is on the other side.. doesn't look like me at all...
I got some news today that I was hoping I'd never get and yet it didn't surprise me at all... I am a statistic.. and the person that I keep hoping won't disappoint me, but always does, has disappointed me again...After this happens, I always think I should stop being disappointed and stop getting my hopes up... but I guess I WANT to think that maybe if I keep hoping that someday I won't be disappointed...sad, I know.
I spoke to my mother briefly today and she said that it looks like we've hit rock bottom.. she's said that before...
It's hard for me to contemplate how much has changed over the last 10 years... I had NO CLUE of any of this 10 years ago.... not even an inkling of a clue..
I suspect that I have no clue of what might happen 10 years from now either.. I hope it goes the other direction from the way it has been going.. on the upswing... I don't know if I would've called where I was 10 years ago "up" from where I am now.. but it certainly seemed easier...oblivion can be helpful in some situations....I'm praying for progress.
sometimes I think we get what we get in life because we expect it.. sometimes I think we get what we get in life because we have no clue what to expect or what we want...I know that 10 years ago I hadn't given any thought to what I wanted or where I wanted to be in 10 years.. maybe I thought I'd have another kid - I'd just had one... maybe I thought I'd still be living in the big house on the hill, married, driving whatever kind of car I was driving... with no degree.. and no ambition...
now I think I know what I want.. there may be some variation on this.. but here goes..
I want to "finish" my education and get my doctorate... I want to really establish my family - and all that that entails...whether it's a partner/lover, another child, friends, relatives, whatever... I want a home base - someplace to call my own.. a sanctuary.. solace...I want some security...some financial stability... I'm not talking about riches necessarily.. I just don't want to worry about anybody going hungry or not having a roof over their head.. I don't want to worry about not being able to pay bills...I want direction and ambition...and purpose..
Right now I'm struggling with who and what I am.. that sounds really odd.. as if I decided I'm a lesbian or an alien or something else... I'm neither of those things - at least to my knowledge... I'm struggling with my state of mind... the insecurity and fear and lack of safety... I've had to do things as of late that I never thought I'd have to do in my life... and there may be more of that to come in the future.. but I hope not.. I hope that things will turn around.. I'm praying that things will turn around... I'm trying to lay the groundwork for things to turn around....I feel like I have to an extent....
I want to continue....to find clarity and purpose and hope...is that a good ambition for 10 years?
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