Playing ketchup (catch up)

I realized today that of all things that I'm good and bad at.. I'm not good at keeping promises to myself.... I've had a lot of thoughts and even done some writing that I meant to post on here.. and then didn't... so, I'm going to try to play catch up by doing multiple posts over the next few days...We'll see what happens.

Last night I broke a platter.. It wasn't just any platter.. it was a wedding present. Now, in general, you'd think that a plate that someone got 17 years ago from a failed marriage wouldn't be something that you'd really care to keep.. and frankly, it was probably one of the only, if not the only wedding present that I still had. Even things that I acquired during the marriage I've gotten rid of.. very very few things are still around, and in my next relocation, they'll probably fall by the way-side entirely.. whether it's plates or furniture...

but that plate.. *sigh* that plate was a little bit special.. I always liked it... it was a gift from the family that would've been my guardians had something happened to my parents when I was growing up.. it's held turkey cakes and thanksgiving turkeys and birthday concoctions...so when it slipped out of the cabinet and started to break.. it made me a little bit sad... it also made me sad to put the remains of it in the garbage.. I wonder how long they'll take to break down..

I thought my youngest son was going to cry.."but you loved that plate, mommy?".. I guess I did... and his next response was... "well, that gives you an excuse to go to Ikea". I had to chuckle just a little bit there...

It sure does feel like it's time to let go of so many things... I wish I had some concept of what all to let go of... there are some things that I know that I'd be better off without... weight, phobias, insecurities, fear, control....or the desire for control more importantly...some are easier to let go of than others...

it's easy to sit by and say all of those things and so much harder to actually do them... I'm trying to get into the mindset of really writing down what I want out of my life and in my life (out meaning 2 different things - what do I want to get from life and what do I want to remove from it).

Do I know? Does anybody know what they really want? I think some people do. At different times in my life I think that I've known what I wanted.. and that's made the goal so much easier.... let nothing - no complication or "tragedy" stand in your way...

I am fighting a battle and I'd rather not fight.. not that I still don't want to "win".. I would just rather not fight...Right now I need to make some decisions but I don't know what they are and I don't have any basis to make them on...
I've got way too many loose ends to tie up and none of the shoe laces seem to want to be tied.. or perhaps, maybe, I'm not ready to tie them... either way, it's very confusing... and I'm struggling...
I'd love it if things were more clear...