I find myself holding in my head and perhaps my heart, the idea that one event will change everything. It will change my focus, my "luck", my path, my everything.. and for all intents and purposes, I'm sitting around waiting for that event to occur...
What the hell am I waiting for?
For the perfect man to walk up to me at the venue of my choice.
For my ex-husband to back off and let me go my own way.
For my financial issues to dissolve.
For those extra pounds to melt away.
For the house to clean itself.
For the dishes to do themselves.
For the cooking to bake itself...
For the world to fix itself.
For a family to build itself.
But none of that is happening.
Despite all my grand ambitions of being an enlightened soul, it seems I'm just a different kind of drone...
just slogging through my life hoping that things will work out.
I'm hearing people say to just have faith that things will work out.. but I find it hard to sit back and wait, and not do anything. I think I'm used to (historically), putting forth much less effort and still getting the desired result.
I'm perplexed by this and it's making me doubt myself even more.
The other question that I have for the night is.. if the wrong kind of men are attracted to me.. undesirable men by my standards... what is wrong with me that makes me attractive to them?
And then I think about where I'm meeting these people (or where they're meeting me)... and it all makes sense...how can I expect to find someone that is "like" me when I am not places that I am truly comfortable? It's like a pagan going to church... a virgin going to strip club... it just doesn't work...
But.. where do I go.. ? what do I do?
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