the end of the year

It's the last day of the year.. only 8.5 hours, give or take, left. I'm so glad it's over.

This year I think I struggled more than I've ever struggled.. with myself, with other people. I've struggled with my finances, with my ambitions, with my Self really. And I think I've come to some conclusions. Here they are.

You may feel deprived, and you may deprive yourself of things, but there's really no point in this. Look around you - there's so much abundance, even excess, that there's no point in it. If you're feeling deprived then that means that you're preventing yourself from experiencing something that you really need to experience. Perhaps it's not on the same level of experience as before; perhaps the type of experience needs to change, but there's no point in keeping yourself from it. Frame it. Understand it. Live it - absolutely. It's ok.

My version of 'addiction' and everyone else's are very different. When I start to worry about my dependence or interest in something, the chances are that it doesn't have anything to do with being dependent on it - it has to do entirely with my thoughts on the substance/person/experience. Perhaps that's what addiction is. The fact that I can "quit" things very easily is proof that they aren't addictions.. the fact that I continue to obsess about them after I've quit them is a little bit scarier...

Relationships are hard. I don't know that I'll ever come to peace with them. But there are things I've learned about that. If I don't see a guy as my equal, then there's no point. Of course there are those more talented/brilliant/beautiful etc than I - that's not what I mean.. what I mean is.. if we can't hold a similarly minded conversation, if we can't mesh on certain levels without tremendous hardship or me having to dumb down or him having to smarten up (or the other way around) then it's not going to work. If there are games, it won't work. If he expects to be taken care of or controlled or handled it won't work and for christ's sake if he expects for me to support him financially, there's no way in HELL it's going to work.

I have become more aware of my weaknesses and strengths - whether those are in romantic relationships or not. The fact that I've purposefully kept myself away from them and that I've eschewed all dating/sex over the past year is problematic and yet still helpful. To an extent I'm sure there's a LOT more work to do and yet, perhaps, it's time to test the waters. The jury is still out.

I could write about that alone for hours - and probably should.. but I don't right now. My point is that I've learned a lot by not experiencing and yet still have a lot to learn. I'm ok with myself not in a relationship and currently not ok with the idea of myself IN a relationship - so this is where I stand for now.

My mind is scattered of course.

I do resolve one thing for sure for the next year.
I need to take better care of myself. That is a definite.. Mind-body. I want to further myself and my ambitions and that requires dedication that I haven't been giving to myself.. auto-pilot hasn't served me and doesn't intend to serve me in the future.. now it's work time.

so, Happy New Year! to you and yours. Thank you for all you've given me throughout the year.. good and bad.. but honestly, I'm making a conscious decision to let go of the bad. it's time.

old age is catching up with me

I should really take better care of myself.

Feeling like I've felt tonight.. I wouldn't wish that on anyone... and I didn't really feel "bad" until Grey said that he was depressed and started unloading on me. I despise the situation that we're in.. we all do... It's rally not fair. But then again, who said life was fair, right?

Somebody must have, because otherwise someone else wouldn't have come up with the saying that "who said life was fair?"

Even still, I'm sick.. REALLY sick.. and I've done at least some of it to myself.. and I feel awful. It's my own fault.. and I'm the one with the power to change it... 

I best get on that....

My cat is in total rebellion....

I don't have the slightest idea why... You'd think that I'd have some sort of clue.. perhaps she's tired of the upheaval.. perhaps she's tired of odd people walking through her house.. perhaps she's just trying to force me to clean the carpet/change residences/change cat food etc etc... but regardless, she's decided that she has to make a statement.. and that statement has EVERYTHING to do with peeing/pooping on the carpet in the hallway downstairs. Now there's only 1 hallway downstairs and it's how you get to and from everything.. and incidentally, it's right at the base of the stairs.. So she's really got all of her bases covered..
In the last month she's peed on backpacks, shoes, carpet... I'm scared to think of what she'll pee on next...

I was watching Bones the other day and they said something about if something that you've done before doesn't work, that you've got to take a different approach.. Of course we all know this to be true.. there's some merit to "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".. but also included in that would be.. try it.. spin it.. try it again if that doesn't work.. spin it a different way..etc etc until there's success...

I've spent the last month - give or take.. pouring vinegar on my carpet trying to clean it... and yet the cat still pees on the carpet (and is now pooping on the carpet).. Now, it doesn't really smell, except like vinegar.. and I'm super sensitive to smells... so there's some other reason why she's doing it..

So many things "recently", I feel like I've tried and tried to spin them different ways... to take different approaches.. and to make them work.. I've tried bending, tearing, spinning, turning upside down and inside out... and still... nothing gives.. being nice, being mean, being passive-aggressive, being aggressive but not intentionally mean... just being...

I've fought, I've prayed, I've wished, I've filed, I've eaten, I've made myself sick, I've essentially starved, and I've abstained.. and still, STILL I feel as though I haven't progressed EXCEPT in my finding out what does NOT work...

There are times when I want to be handed an answer.. Please PLEASE someone tell me what I need to do to/for my cat to get her to stop doing what she's doing... change the cat litter? move the cat box? change her food? get her a companion (hers died)... whatever... but no one has done this... no one has told me that if I do THIS, this is going to work...

Part of me wants that reassurance...

I want it in my endeavors as well.. Of all the drama/trauma that I've (and the boys) have gone through.. no matter what I seem to do, we're all here still suffering... no matter how hard we try not to suffer we're suffering.. why is that? More keeps happening.. Things fall further apart (or come closer together?) and still we have not arrived... The situations deteriorates.. and there is no "solution".

I react. I respond. I overreact. I overrespond. I don't react. I don't respond.. Where's the happy medium? Is there one? Isn't there something to be said for the "middle path"?

I'm taking this class which honestly isn't teaching me anything scholastically, but is teaching me a lot interpersonally... and that is in observation of other people.. their sensitivities.. mine.. the "opposite" end of the spectrum... We were speaking today about conspiracy theories... I don't really buy into them.. nothing is hidden.. it just may not be publicized... but it's all accessible.. motives are plain.. I didnt' really get into my theory of this.. but anyway... a woman started speaking with great fervor.. she was adamant that there was a "them" and an "us" and "they" were always out to get "us".

The more that I heard her speak, the more fearful I felt, in a sense, and also the more sad I became. How awful that she would feel that sense of fear and anger and anxiety towards a group of people that are truly of no consequence to her. We manufacture this opposition.We create this adversarial nature.

I think that could be said about a lot of things/relationships.

My ex husband is very angry with me. Even though I've never done anything to purposefully hurt him or gone out of my way to anger/upset him.. he's angry with me. I suppose it's his right to be so. Truth be told, I don't know if I could say that I'm angry with him..but I'm saddened and frustrated by his actions... and sometimes that makes me angry.. I feel like he's wronged the boys and robbed them of their childhood... I know that I'm not fully innocent in this either.. I'm sure that there are things that I could have done that would've prevented this. And I'm trying to help them regain it.. to have some positive memories.

I don't know what's going on in his head. The things he says/has said to me, I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. They're cruel and horrible. I can't think of anything that I could've done that would warrant that. I don't reciprocate. But I know he doesn't see it that way.

He lives by fear.. whether it's fear that I'm going to take the boys away or fear that he'll lose them.. of fear that everything that's been said about him is true, I'm not sure.. but he does live in and by fear... and desperation.

I've felt very desperate... with my situation.. financial.. spiritual.. educational.. parenting.. cat-parenting.. I've felt very confined and trapped in so many aspects of my life... to the point that I know that I've acted desperately... part of my desperation has been not knowing how to try things differently to get a response.. to meet a goal... what does that say about how things are going or what state of mind I am in?

I feel like the baby learning how to walk.. I see that the bigger people have the capability to move back and forward on their legs. They can stand on their feet and move forward and back without falling... I have those parts.. I should be able to do those things... and yet no matter how many times I stand and try to mover forward, I still fall.

I am still falling.

I know that living and life is about learning. We cannot learn without experiencing. Rarely are things simply handed to us and accepted. It's never that simple.  Attempting to learn the lesson when it seems elusive is hard.... attempting to force the lesson or the learning is even harder.

What's the solution? I don't know. All I can say is that nothing that I've tried thus far has brought me to the end of that chapter... and so I continue trying.. some days are much worse than others and I'm frustrated and yes, angry... and some days I have perspective.. sometimes that perspective lasts only moments. I'm grateful for this one... no matter how unclear it is.

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans...

My mom keeps trying to quote this... but she changes it.. and claims it for her own... I've corrected her a few times.. Bless her heart... I love my mom.. we have a history..  not all of it is good... but we do.. and well, I owe a lot of who I am to her.. good and a good bit of bad...

but anyway..

I wish I could say that I knew for a moment what was going to happen in the next chapter of my life.. I'm still holding out some hope that things will even out and maybe all the work that I've done over the last year plus won't be in vain.. I am still hoping that to be true... but at this point it doesn't look like that's going to come about.. at least not right now... but I don't know... and the book hasn't been written yet and the door hasn't closed and even if it had, it's not that it couldn't be opened again.

I'm sitting here without my glasses or contacts in and hoping that there aren't 80 million typos as I'm writing this, but generally not caring..

My moods have waxed and waned over the last few days.. up and down and further down and back and forth and I honestly wish that I could say I could blame it on hormones or whatever.. but I can't... at least I don't think tha I can... I would honestly like to say that I feel that I currently have the capability to even them out.. but I don't have the slightest idea how to do that..

I want to let go of the drama...

Having said that.. I thought that I had.. I've been TRYING to consciously release/prevent chaotic and stress-producing situations from happening.. I haven't been fully successful.. and there are some that I've not only walked right into - but welcomed with open arms, balloons, and banners.. but I am trying.. to consciously release...
the problem that I seem to be having is letting go of past situations that don't seem to want to let go of me.. I want, quite badly, to move on... I want to be rid of my ex - all of them... and move forward so I can start something new - a new chapter.. I want to walk away from all of the baggage that I've either held onto, created, or sub/unconsciously kept in one form or another.. I want to be rid of it.. I want to stand on my own 2 feet....

Of course I want to take the boys with me.. but I don't consider them baggage.. we've spent a lovely 10+ days together with little/no interference from anybody and it's been really nice.. Perhaps I didn't get quite as much work done.. but that's part of the walking into drama thing.. I was at least in part, conscious of it...

So, how do I do that? How do I release everything from the past and embrace the future.. no looking back and no holding on...No payment for past mistakes.. no penance.. no suffering from poor decisions... how do I do that?

It seems that the only thing that I can do is try to, not erase the past, but end it.. keep the situations from repeating themselves and also cut as many of the ties as possible... One of my friends told me that I'd never truly be free if I had to depend on my ex for financial support. That's true... Even with as hard as things have been with finances recently, I'm grateful that I've been able to survive (granted it's only been 2 months) without his financial support. I want to be able to be completely on my own... if it's student loans temporarily - so be it... I'm ok with that - I think.. but in the long term, I really need to be on my own.. and the only way to do that is to finish my schooling so I can be out practicing for myself...How do I do that given the current constraints that I'm under?
More importantly, how do I dissolve those current constraints?
How do I release his ability to affect what and where I do what I do? Is this something that I just have to sit and wait for? I'd rather not do that.. I'd rather not be forced into patience - hurrying up and waiting for time to pass and concessions to be made.. I'd rather not sit around and hope.. I'm much more comfortable being in action...

How do I do that?

I'm still having problems with the decision that I've made to start this educational program. It's not what I want. I don't have much in common with the people there. They're older and closed minded - which blows my mind.. there's no room for flexibility with them... which I can't fathom.. there are merits and draw backs to almost everything - especially when it comes to medicine.. that's why you have to evaluate each and every case differently... that's the whole point.. that reminds me.. I need to dig out books tomorrow morning - although one is already in the car...

How do I let go.. or better yet - encourage it to let go of me?
(it has to be aligned with my moral and ehtical code).

I find myself hoping or thinking all kinds of horrible things - along with gentler things.. what if he gets hit by a car when he's driving - that would solve everything... what if he is forced to do this or that? what if he has no choice?
I don't like any of those things.. and I don't like the fact that they come to mind... the truth of the matter is that I don't want anything bad to happen to him.. I just want the release.. I just want to be let go...

I've never figured out what it is that I did to make him so angry with me.. the only thing that I can think of is that I never really loved him.. and that's why he's so mad. He's always reacted badly when he was placed in a corner.. never willing to accept any responsibility for anything.. no blame (although I hate the idea of blame)... and I can see why, given that tidbit of information - that he would be angry.. it's fight or flight... wounded animals become crazy and angry and violent.. I get that... but come on.. somethings' gotta give..

I've never done anything to harm him.. I've never gone out of my way to hurt him... I've even lied for him.. to save his face with the kids or other people.. to protect him.. there are some things that I can't lie about or won't lie about and there are some things that I can't protect him from.. if he acts a certain way.. I can't change how someone interprets that.. I just can't.. if they're offended, then they're offended.. I have nothing to do with it...I know he's convinced that I have everything to do with it.. that I am the one that's perpetuating his issues.. but I'm not... it's beyond me... I'm TRYING to stay out of it..

sometimes I sit idly by, waiting for something to change.. hoping that it will change.. hoping that he will change... and he doesn't.. and then I feel like my hand is forced to do something.. and the insanity happens all over again... how do I deal with that? How do I address what's happening without making it worse? Does it need to be worse? is this what's supposed to happen to "finish" this? Something in my heart tells me  yes.. but I have to wonder why all of this insanity is necessary...

I never wanted this.. I really didn't.. and I don't.. I wanted a simple life... nice old house.. family... christmas dinners and get togethers.. things that I had but didn't have or vice versa... connectedness that I didn't have... fulfillment that I never saw when I was growing up and haven't yet experienced... that's what I wanted.. and I wanted that for my kids.. and I haven't been able to give them any of this... I have to wonder what they will look back on their childhoods and think... about how miserable it was? god I hope not.

I want them to remember sitting and reading christmas stories.. playing yahtzee and board games on the living room floor... tormenting the cat... going to the santa parade.. doing goofy stuff like dressing up for halloween.. or whatever.. that's the stuff I want them to remember.. not being poor and going without.. not fighting.. not us fighting... that's not what I want.. I also don't want them remembering me being overbearing or him being insensitive... I want them to learn what they need to learn.. not remember the hard times...I think this would be the biggest regret of mine regarding their childhoods.. that they ever felt like they were without... or that they felt fear.. or that they felt like something was missing or amiss...

Not Norman Rockwell... but somewhere between Norman and the Simpsons... would that do?

it's 6 am and I'm not asleep

I'd like to say that I have a real reason that I'm not in bed. As I sit here I'm exhausted.. I fell asleep on the couch earlier and slept for a couple of hours. I was very tired and my stomach was full.. this seems to be my "evening" these days... eat.. pass out on the couch.. extract from couch.. crawl up to bed...

I wasn't quite so lucky tonight.

After getting up from said couch and getting ready for bed, I couldn't sleep... so I went to take a bath.. I almost always fall asleep in the tub... no sleep.. I'm sitting here.. not quite to the crying stage of tired but certainly not slap happy... wondering what is going to calm my mind and my body ito sleep.

I haven't found it yet.

There's so much on my mind - from potentially worthless and perhaps costly unnecessary bachelor's degrees to court cases. All of that combined with random neuropathies and a bizarre case of stomach upset. I can't decide whether I should be searching for scholarships, filling out public aid information or randomly searching websites for juicy and interesting tidbits...Of course as I sit here contemplating this, Moose's tail drags bag and forth over my hands making me want to CATapult her off of the computer desk. I wonder if there'll be money for christmas this year.

My mother asked me at least 3 times if there wasn't something else I could do to settle my situation...it got irritating after the first time and after me spending 30 min already explaining to her what I'd been trying to do and what I'd done... Apparently I'm not doing enough. Somehow I think I'm supposed to feel worse about that, although I'm not sure how much more frustration a person can feel. I'm way beyond the "seething" part and certainly approaching borderline homicidal.

I can't imagine how things have gotten this bad.and then again they make perfect sense.... anytime you put your future in someone else's hands then you're, in essence, dooming yourself to disappointment. Sure there's the luck times when you're not disappointed. I can count those on 1 hand. My great thanks to an amazing neurosurgeon and to a friend that's come through for me a couple times in albeit meager crises, but still... The rest are lucky happenstances and exchanges. Perhaps I'm not grateful or acknowledgeing of those enough.. However.. there's one thing that I need to drill into my extremely thick and rather over-sized skull... I have to stand on my own.

I always thought that I was.. independent to a fault.. but in some situations, especially when it comes to money, I haven't stood on my own for years. Unable to be self-sufficient whether it's by food or income....it's frustrating to me to be "without" or to be "beholden" to someone or something else.. I hate it... and yet I've put myself in the position where that's my existence.whether  from the past or future.... Given that dropping off the grid/radar isn't currently an option, I look at what's available to me and think - this is only going to be perpetuated... that really sucks.

My goal is independence.. pure and simple.
My challenge to myself RIGHT NOW is to every day, in some small way, (or big way) work my way towards independence. There will be tradeoffs I have no doubt.. but there's got to be progress.. whether it's making/growing my own food or figuring out how to avoid using/needing something that I thought I needed. I will try to report back on this...

A million thoughts

have run through my ever scattered mind over the last 4 days especially.. and only a few have I taken the time to write down...

A very wise friend of mine told me that I needed to follow my Bliss.. Of course this is something that I know to be true.. but sometimes don't follow in practice.. it's not a hypocritical thing.. just a practical one... but I'm thinking about this more and more... Follow your bliss...Follow your Bliss...

I have in mind what my bliss is... and it's not what I'm doing.. not even close... I have these grande (grande with an e because they're so spectacular) fantasies and plans of things to do... and I have stuck in my mind that that is my bliss...

I have to wonder if I'm being too rigid in those ideals.. although for the life of me right now, I can't think of any alteration that I could make that I WOULD be happy with...

One of my other friends just pointed out to me, when I posed the question on Facebook
"How do you focus on the "now" and still work toward the future? If all we have is "now" then is there no future?" that if you take care of the now, then the future is taken care of as well.. this makes sense..

Now I'm going to go ponder that until I have time to finish this thought...

Today is Election Day...

I used to get all hyper about election days.. but now I no longer give a shit.. maybe that's a bad thing.. but I've seen my "vote" count for nothing too many times to bother now.. the thing that irritates me (besides all the political ads and all of the orphan trashed signs that will be all over the road and sidewalks) is the fact that my "friends" are so gung ho about voting that they're trying to make those who aren't voting feel guilty.. this irritates me.. it makes me no want to vote just to spite them.. and know that if I did vote I'd be cow-towing to them..

I like to have righteous indignation... so I'm going for the not voting... I'm at peace with it now.. anybody that thinks my vote matters and reads this can kiss my ass (but I still love you) and anybody that supports me for not voting can kiss my ass too (but I still love you also).. it was my choice... Informed abstinence... voting celibacy

sounds like something else in my life..

where's the cavalry?

I had the craziest dream last night..

I was waiting for SOMETHING to happen today... something.. I thought to myself, wow, didn't last Monday the world fall in? and as the day went further and further I felt deceptively lucky...

and then I got the mail.

Some "good", some bad, some mistaken, and some I'm not sure.. the bad I was able to deal with fairly easily (thankfully) and I have to finish with that tomorrow...

I would like to be fully independent... I would like to not have to depend on child support or any other supply of money other than what I had earned myself to support myself and my kids... I don't know how I can do that without going back to school... I'm not sure how comfortable I am with being supported by student loans.. and eventually I would like to not have to deal with those either..

On my Own...I've been on my own in so many ways for so long.. so isolated.. so alone.. even when I was married I was alone.. but then I was also lonely.... and now I really don't feel that way... I can't explain it... there's a small part of me that wants to be with others, with someone... but I don't feel like I can be...I don't feel like I can be with someone else until I can stand fully on my own... does that make sense? you can't be with someone until you really know how to be by yourself... how to love yourself...how to appreciate alone and silence and solitude... I do appreciate the silence... I feel it.. I love it.. there's something really amazing about quiet... and also annoying about it... and I've learned that you can have quiet and still have noise..

I like not sharing the bed... and I like the idea of sharing the bed.. but not actually sharing the bed...

I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over again... wasn't this all supposed to be about progress? about thinking and feeling and talking things out so I could get past them and move forward?

I'm going downward.. right? I don't know that I can say conclusively that I'm getting any closer to my goals... it doesn't seem so obvious as things have gotten "worse"... the conditions have deteriorated. things have gone downhill...

what is progress?

Why is it?

Why is it when you've got a lot on your mind that you can't focus on anything?

Just when I think I can't handle anything else.. something else comes up for me to handle (not handle).
At some point I'd like to really and truly believe that perhaps either I can't handle anything else and so nothing else will come to me to deal with OR resolution of issues allows me to deal with what's going on...

I came across some writing that I did 2 years ago, that I think I already mentioned... I was completely overwhelmed in the writing.. talking about not retaining anything that I was trying to study...

I'm dealing easily with 10 x the amount of stuff now that I was then.. I'm lucky I can remember my name. The things that I need to focus on (work), I can't.. I can't make myself do them...
I have the profound need to resolve 1 issue (ONE) - the most pressing one (or at least the most immediate or obvious one).. and yet I can't.. because it requires patience...ahhh patience.. my arch enemy.. it's not my ex husband.. it's patience.. I've never been very good at waiting.. or hurrying up and waiting.. or any form of time based resolution...

I always wished, in a sense, that I could be one of those people that could say.. "ok.. if I do this and this and this.. this HUGE problem will work itself out.. so I should try not to worry about it.. just lay the groundwork for it to happen, and then go about my business with other stuff..."

yeah.. um.. no...

so, here I sit.. with the things that I "know" that I need to do right in front of me... trying to 'write off some steam' whilst I hurry up and wait for other things to happen..

I have to wonder though, if my impatience has anything to do with my need for the dramatic...do I perpetuate the drama (even if it's "little things") by always feeling that anxiety of needing/wanting things to be done RIGHT NOW...?

how does one find enough peace in herself (because it's me and I don't want to use the proper politically correct pronouns) to be able to let the drama truly go, deal with whatever situation comes up without crisis (even though theoretically it IS a crisis) and move on... how does one (dammit with those pronouns) live her (ha!) life without getting caught up in and therefore attracting the chaos?

If I were to ever say I was "envious" of anyone it would be in 2 categories.. the first in people that have seemingly perfect relationships.. what are you smoking? how do you pull that off? or are/were you just smarter than I was in the first place and figured out how to spin things so you'd have the "perfect" partner?
and the second is watching people that have issues, but don't have issues...LIVE their lives... how do they do it? what do they know that I don't know? what are they not getting caught up in that I am? how have they spun their priorities such that none of this drama happens to them (or they don't succomb to it)...?

I said to someone about a week ago (maybe 2) that even though everybody looks like they've got their life together, it's all a farce.. it's a mask.. everybody has issues... people used to say that they were in awe of me because I was going to school and working and had kids and was married etc... that I must really have my shit straight.. but I was SOOOO miserable! Everything was a mess.. a disaster.. I was so unhappy...nothing ever seemed to go "right".. there was no balance...a total mess.. but to other people on the outside, I guess it all looked "right" and effortless... I wondered what they were smoking... the only thing I can say about my life right now is that not only does it not look effortless or that I don't have anything together.. I'm a total mess.. and everybody knows it.. no more masks, as it were... go figure.

I don't know if I should be proud of that or not..I guess when I resolved, a couple of years ago, to try to "marry" my personna with my reality that I didn't understand the fullest extent of how that would go down.. maybe now I do.. frightening really... how that comes together..

So I think I need to do something about this... I need to come up with a way (better way) of prioritizing my drama so that I can handle things without them getting to me.. AND be able to do the things that I NEED to do so they also don't get out of hand.. AND figure out how to get rid of the drama entirely.. in other words.. it's just shit that happens.. perhaps not the same shit and different day but different shit and a different day.. and that's ok.. wipe, rinse, and repeat...

so what's the challenge?

to lay out the problems that I'm dealing with right now.. and if I can't come up with a fluid plan to try to deal with them, then at least a step one so that I feel like I'm accomplishing something...
I need to categorize the "problems" as immediate issues and long term.. and handle each one differently...
and so that's how it's going to begin...

I used to be....

into guys that were into me.. but now I hate everyone equally...

actually it struck me when I started to write the title..."I used to be..." about a million things that I used to be.. that I'm not anymore...

I used to be...
rich
talented
famous (not really but sorta)
loved(no, but it just came out)
wealthy
interesting
happy (no but that just came out too)
intriguing
mysterious
thinner
smart
funny
available(that means other things than what you're thinking)
sexy
powerful
married
dating
ambitious
qualified
accepted (again, different meaning)
adored (eh? maybe)
loving
passionate


oh, that's enough..
some of those things I suppose I still am, but in a different way... I guess in everyone's "evolution" we go through rough patches.. I think I'm in mine...I hope that if in everyone's life there is the pinnacle of one horribly difficult time, that this is mine.. even at times when I thought it was rough, it never seemed anywhere near as difficult as this...

With all that I'm going through.. and all that I've been... I guess I can say
that
I am...
grateful
lucky
hopeful
gifted
talented
ambitious
creative
compassionate
working
desirous
protected
healing
learning
intelligent (although it doesn't always feel that way)
sleepy
still going
still working
still planning
still trying

I guess that's what makes all the difference.. All of the rest of it may fall away, and maybe even those things that I "am" will fall away as well and be replaced by hopefully newer and better things... but what I am right now, makes all the difference.

what goes up, must come down...

I never know who I'm going to see when I look in the mirror.. half of the time I swear that I have no clue who the person is on the other side.. doesn't look like me at all...

I got some news today that I was hoping I'd never get and yet it didn't surprise me at all... I am a statistic.. and the person that I keep hoping won't disappoint me, but always does, has disappointed me again...After this happens, I always think I should stop being disappointed and stop getting my hopes up...  but I guess I WANT to think that maybe if I keep hoping that someday I won't be disappointed...sad, I know.

I spoke to my mother briefly today and she said that it looks like we've hit rock bottom.. she's said that before...

It's hard for me to contemplate how much has changed over the last 10 years...  I had NO CLUE of any of this 10 years ago.... not even an inkling of a clue..

I suspect that I have no clue of what might happen 10 years from now either.. I hope it goes the other direction from the way it has been going.. on the upswing... I don't know if I would've called where I was 10 years ago "up" from where I am now.. but it certainly seemed easier...oblivion can be helpful in some situations....I'm praying for progress.

sometimes I think we get what we get in life because we expect it.. sometimes I think we get what we get in life because we have no clue  what to expect or what we want...I know that 10 years ago I hadn't given any thought to what I wanted or where I wanted to be in 10 years.. maybe I thought I'd have another kid - I'd just had one... maybe I thought I'd still be living in the big house on the hill, married, driving whatever kind of car I was driving... with no degree.. and no ambition...

now I think I know what I want.. there may be some variation on this.. but here goes..
I want to "finish" my education and get my doctorate... I want to really establish my family - and all that that entails...whether it's a partner/lover, another child, friends, relatives, whatever... I want a home base - someplace to call my own.. a sanctuary.. solace...I want some security...some financial stability... I'm not talking about riches necessarily.. I just don't want to worry about anybody going hungry or not having a roof over their head.. I don't want to worry about not being able to pay bills...I want direction and ambition...and purpose..

Right now I'm struggling with who and what I am.. that sounds really odd.. as if I decided I'm a lesbian or an alien or something else... I'm neither of those things - at least to my knowledge... I'm struggling with my state of mind... the insecurity and fear and lack of safety... I've had to do things as of late that I never thought I'd have to do in my life... and there may be more of that to come in the future.. but I hope not.. I hope that things will turn around.. I'm praying that things will turn around... I'm trying to lay the groundwork for things to turn around....I feel like I have to an extent....

I want to continue....to find clarity and purpose and hope...is that a good ambition for 10 years?

Blast from the Past

I'm cleaning up an old computer... well, cleaning it out in the hopes of either scrapping it or getting it to run properly and fixing it... it's harder than I thought it would be.. it would help if I had a clue what the hell I was doing..

I've come across writings and ramblings from almost exactly 2 years ago... I was post-fucked-up assumed relationship... still fresh in my head what had happened.. still profoundly confused and profoundly delusional... it's hard to read my thoughts about stuff like that... and at the same time.. I seemed so much clearer than I am now...

regardless of what was said there.. it doesn't seem as though I've made a whole lot of progress since then, I'm sorry to say... I was venting my frustrations about my schooling (now defunct - at least in that department), my relationship (non-existent), my children and their father (in even worse shape than before), and my thoughts on being alone, unfulfilled, and confused in general.. it's a wonder I'm able to put one foot in front of the other...

There are some things that I've at least figured out  where I "think" I stand... I have no answers for the children and their father... I've tried.. I'm trying.. I'm trying to figure out how to mend what's happened to them.. I'm trying to figure out how to buffer their father's actions/reactions towards them and towards me... I'm trying to figure out how to minimize my reaction to his actions towards them and towards me...I'm still trying to find my way to my education/career - even though I've thought that I knew where I was going in that respect...at least moreso where I want to go as of late..

Relationships are another thing entirely...Some things I think I can say clearly.. and these are they...
I don't know if I can share my space with someone else... I really like my privacy.. I think I've never really felt like I've truly had any.. and I don't know that I could give that up... Only once when I've "looked forward" have I ever seen someone else in my space.. before and throughout my marriage I always looked to the future and saw myself alone.. and I was ok with it...
So I don't know how having someone in my life over the long haul would work.. I'm not saying that I'm completely opposed to it.. I'm just not sure I could deal with it all that well.. I'm undecided...and I think that contributes to my conflict.
2. It's really hard for me to commit to anything or anyone... at least at this stage in my life... part of that has to do with the above.. and the other part has to do with not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing... some moments I want to hunker down in a house in the Pacific Northwest with a cat and perhaps a lover and another child... and sometimes I want to travel the world... the only thing that I can say is that my life has to be dynamic... not chaotic per se.. but dynamic.. because chaos doesn't suit me.. and normalcy is boring... I never much aspired to being normal... as they say in the movies.. I think it rather denotes a lack of courage...for anyone to come into my life, they need to accept that about me... that things will always be changing... like the wind and the water they have to flow with the tides... people only become more or less of who they actually are.. although I hope that I'm going towards the more side rather than the less.
3. stifling a part of myself probably wasn't the best answer... but stifling rather than stumbling blindly was a better choice.. and I'm glad for that.. 2 things happened a year ago... I started trying to make myself as unattractive as humanly possible by not taking care of myself ( this was partly conscious and partly unconscious) and I tried to shut a part of myself off by not allowing anyone to touch me... no sex. In fact, I've only allowed one person to kiss me in the last year... or close to that... and he doesn't even remember.. Through a profound lack of intimacy and a profound lack of expression of my essence, I've really hurt myself... I think that one of the reasons that things haven't "moved" as much for me is because I'm not moving... and that's a huge mistake. I stopped dancing.. I stopped exercising.. I stopped fucking... I stopped any attempt at making love to myself or anyone else... BOBs aside, there's been no 2nd chakra activity... The only positive that I can say about that is this... I was being far too indiscriminate with my body before.. there were some good things about that... in experiencing what I know that wasn't good for me... and experimenting, in a way, with what I hadn't experienced before... but I can say that it was a rare day that I felt better about myself in the morning.. proud of what I'd just done... excited about who I'd just met.. and hopeful about a future with that person - no matter how long that future might be...
Breaking that cycle was a good thing...it mightn't have needed to be that long (and still on going) but it did need to happen.. I needed to re-evaluate where I was going... and I'm glad I did... the challenge comes in the arena of allowing myself to move and to open up again.... a lot needs to change in that department... the next one - the next step, will likely be very difficult....
4. sometimes we get what we ask for... I asked for that lover 2 years ago.. I did.. i asked for everything about him.. from his sense of adventure to his beautiful body.. and I loved him.. I really did.. perhaps I love him still.. and that's a hard thing for me to get past... perhaps all future lovers will be weighed against him... but I know a few things now that I can't deal with ... I can't deal with someone that leaves.. I can't operate under any false pretenses.. and I can't be the "other"... the last thing I want to hear from a lover is that they weigh whomever they're with against their experience with me... if that's the case.. they should just be with me.. unless of course, I was the one that set them free... I never want to get involved with someone that's going to leave me like he did... body mind and spirit.. I can't handle it... breaking up is one thing.. being used is another... I suppose it was mutual... but it's hard to release with the experience of releasing and abandonment.

I'm sure there are other things that I've learned throughout all of this... but that's enough to start with... I hope to get more caught up with my writing this week.. I'm trying to keep that promise to myself.

reasons to stay unhappy

So, I've been reading these articles on being unhappy.. I don't remember exactly the search criteria that I used to start out with.. it was something about gaining happiness.. but instead I received back an article on reasons why people are unhappy... and so I've been doing research on that...

The reasons include things like, having no direction, living someone else's purpose, being afraid, eating a crappy diet, lacking gratitude, having poor relationships... and the more that I read, the more I wonder why I'm not perched on top of the building threatening to jump off... One article that I read said that refusing to leave the house (figuratively of course) and staying by yourself was a surefire way to become/stay unhappy...interesting..

so my thought on all of this is...what makes me unhappy? maybe if I define what makes me unhappy, I'll be able to figure out what might make me happy.. I'm grasping here, I know.. but if I defined the negative - acknowledged it, and then treated it for what it was - just another perspective - then maybe, possibly, I could make some serious attempts and turning things around...

here's a few to get you started:
- I hate my job. I never wanted to do what I'm doing in the first place - and I did it for 10 years.. now I'm doing it again.. I still hate it... I'm wondering why I even bothered going back to school if I ended up doing the same stupid thing (but now for less pay)
- I hate my financial situation. See the job problem.. See relationships/ex husband
- I hate my relationship situations. I really don't have any close friends.. I realize that this is a choice. I don't have a lover (also by choice), or a boyfriend (by choice), or really any people to hang out with on a regular basis... and even though those things are choices, they may not be the best choices. I think we all need people to share our lives with - in whatever capacity we need them...
- I hate dealing with my ex-husband. And I hate my kids having to deal with my ex-husband. I do.. I don't want to see/hear about/from him ever again... Yes I realize that there are sacrifices that I would have to make for that to come true.. but I think I'm willing to make them. The boys and I have suffered so much because of his actions, and because of our responses to his actions. Regardless, no one should have to put up with that.. even if we react positively...

I'm sure I'll write more later.
What do you think?

Playing ketchup (catch up)

I realized today that of all things that I'm good and bad at.. I'm not good at keeping promises to myself.... I've had a lot of thoughts and even done some writing that I meant to post on here.. and then didn't... so, I'm going to try to play catch up by doing multiple posts over the next few days...We'll see what happens.

Last night I broke a platter.. It wasn't just any platter.. it was a wedding present. Now, in general, you'd think that a plate that someone got 17 years ago from a failed marriage wouldn't be something that you'd really care to keep.. and frankly, it was probably one of the only, if not the only wedding present that I still had. Even things that I acquired during the marriage I've gotten rid of.. very very few things are still around, and in my next relocation, they'll probably fall by the way-side entirely.. whether it's plates or furniture...

but that plate.. *sigh* that plate was a little bit special.. I always liked it... it was a gift from the family that would've been my guardians had something happened to my parents when I was growing up.. it's held turkey cakes and thanksgiving turkeys and birthday concoctions...so when it slipped out of the cabinet and started to break.. it made me a little bit sad... it also made me sad to put the remains of it in the garbage.. I wonder how long they'll take to break down..

I thought my youngest son was going to cry.."but you loved that plate, mommy?".. I guess I did... and his next response was... "well, that gives you an excuse to go to Ikea". I had to chuckle just a little bit there...

It sure does feel like it's time to let go of so many things... I wish I had some concept of what all to let go of... there are some things that I know that I'd be better off without... weight, phobias, insecurities, fear, control....or the desire for control more importantly...some are easier to let go of than others...

it's easy to sit by and say all of those things and so much harder to actually do them... I'm trying to get into the mindset of really writing down what I want out of my life and in my life (out meaning 2 different things - what do I want to get from life and what do I want to remove from it).

Do I know? Does anybody know what they really want? I think some people do. At different times in my life I think that I've known what I wanted.. and that's made the goal so much easier.... let nothing - no complication or "tragedy" stand in your way...

I am fighting a battle and I'd rather not fight.. not that I still don't want to "win".. I would just rather not fight...Right now I need to make some decisions but I don't know what they are and I don't have any basis to make them on...
I've got way too many loose ends to tie up and none of the shoe laces seem to want to be tied.. or perhaps, maybe, I'm not ready to tie them... either way, it's very confusing... and I'm struggling...
I'd love it if things were more clear...

Why?

Why should we ever care about what other people think? When it comes down to it.. caring about what someone else thinks of you only seems to offer pain, is that not true?

I recently had the displeasure of turning down a proposition from a gentleman. I'm being nice of course, and I let him down quite easy. I wasn't even remotely attracted to him and there wasn't anything that he could or I could do to change that. I knew he wasn't the type of person that I would consider spending time with, at least at this point in the game, so I VERY gently declined his offer. He got angry and called me a cold-hearted bitch.

Why does this bother me?

I should be able to say.. wow, um.. yeah.. more reasons why this person and I would not have made a good match.. but for some ungodly reason, I feel bad about it.

I'm reminded now of a friend that I have a very odd relationship with.. whose behavior perplexes me, but whom I find oddly attractive... I wished him a happy birthday - because today is his birthday.. and it occurred to me after I sent him the message that I sent - I wonder if he'll take offense to it..

Why should I care? What issue is it of mine if someone misinterprets my well-wishes or gentle words or whatever you want to call them?

Now I'm not sure, given the hour, that I'm fully able to contemplate the merits of this issue.. but I'm going to give it a shot... Is it society that conditions us to think that what others think about us is imperative to our   social, physical, and emotional well being (spiritual?)? Does it come from somewhere else?

There are some things about myself that I'm entirely willing to turn to another person and say "look.. if you don't like this about me, you can just go fuck yourself. I know that I'm worthy/talented/whatever and if you don't like it - kiss my ass".  But if I feel that I'm getting some form of disapproval - if someone is actively giving me negativity, then that really bothers me... WHY? WHY? why?

It just doesn't make any sense, does it?

When it comes to lovers, of course you want your lover to approve of you. You want him (in my case) to love you and appreciate you, and care about you regardless of some strange characteristic that you've got going on. Maybe that's delusional to feel that way? After all, you can't be in someone's good graces all of the time.. right?

When we're growing up, we want so badly and I suppose are conditioned so, to ask for/earn other people's approval.. it starts with our parents, then teachers, then friends at school.. and as we get older - employers, friends, co-workers, lovers... but it can't be healthy to determine your self worth on whether someone feels good about you or something you did.. or whether they feel bad about you or something that you did.

The heart wants what the heart wants. I think this issue will be explored again....

what if one event changed it all?

I find myself holding in my head and perhaps my heart, the idea that one event will change everything. It will change my focus, my "luck", my path, my everything.. and for all intents and purposes, I'm sitting around waiting for that event to occur...

What the hell am I waiting for?

For the perfect man to walk up to me at the venue of my choice.
For my ex-husband to back off and let me go my own way.
For my financial issues to dissolve.
For those extra pounds to melt away.
For the house to clean itself.
For the dishes to do themselves.
For the cooking to bake itself...
For the world to fix itself.
For a family to build itself.

But none of that is happening.

Despite all my grand ambitions of being an enlightened soul, it seems I'm just a different kind of drone...
just slogging through my life hoping that things will work out.
I'm hearing people say to just have faith that things will work out.. but I find it hard to sit back and wait, and not do anything. I think I'm used to (historically), putting forth much less effort and still getting the desired result.
I'm perplexed by this and it's making me doubt myself even more.

The other question that I have for the night is.. if the wrong kind of men are attracted to me..  undesirable men by my standards... what is wrong with me that makes me attractive to them?
And then I think about where I'm meeting these people (or where they're meeting me)... and it all makes sense...how can I expect to find someone that is "like" me when I am not places that I am truly comfortable? It's like a pagan going to church... a virgin going to strip club... it just doesn't work...

But.. where do I go.. ? what do I do?

I'm still here

The soap opera.. no.. made for tv movie, continues.. we're nearing mini-series status.
In case you were wondering why I haven't been keeping up my end of the deal, my computer died.. just got it fixed.. about 10 days off... I've done writing which I'll have to transcribe into the blog..

But the jist of everything is this..
when things get tough, you have 2 options. you can laugh, or you can cry. I'd prefer to laugh..

and so, hopefully, it shall continue.

I extended myself to someone and I thought they were going to disappoint me.. I really did... and at the 11th hour they came through.. I'm so grateful and so pleased and so honored... I was talking earlier in the evening about being disappointed.. and then I wasn't.. I LOVE it when I'm wrong about stuff like that.. love it..

:)

I am behind

No truer statement was ever made - at least for how things are at this point in time. Perhaps the only truer statement is I am frustrated. I am.

Every day things are happening "to" me, not with me or for me or maybe even against me, but to me. I find this unfortunate. I experience an endless amount of frustrations. To those people that say "things can always be/get worse", you are right.

Sure it's only the little things. An extra bill here, a lower paycheck there, a phone call, an extra frustration. It all adds up. And when you're already at a point where you feel you can't take it any more - well, then it's monumental. The smallest thing can send you over the edge.

I am VERY tired of harboring this much frustration and hostility.

How does one release all of this irritation? You can only change how you respond to someone so much. Passivity and attempted forgiveness isn't working. Retaliation isn't appropriate.

Is it ok to not so much "go after" someone, but is it ok to go after what should be yours?

I've been taught to "turn the other cheek". In my upbringing that was more likely to be the other ass cheek so it could be beaten, but still. I took it to heart. A soft answer turneth away wrath. But how far is taking that too far? There's a point when people are walking all over you. I feel like I'm at that point. I feel like I'm impotent, and yet I know that I'm not.

The stupid thing is that I'm ALLOWING myself to feel/be this way. And I think this is wrong. At some point we cross the line of standing up for ourselves in the sense of just standing up, and have to take almost an offensive approach to moving forward. It's finding strength to do whatever is possible to get what needs to be done, done. I think I'm there.

I'm finding myself, though, using every excuse (and making some new ones up) to keep from doing things that put me into this position. Maybe I'm afraid that I won't get what I want or accomplishe what I need to, but there's no way for me to find that out unless I try. Yes it's scary. But hopefully I'm in no worse of a position for trying than I would be if I didn't. the only way to hope is to make an effort.

Which reminds me. I need to write an email.

Somewhere in between

You know how you can fall asleep and then wake up but not be entirely awake... your senses are somehow more acute, because maybe you don't have all that baggage of being fully awake to bog you down.. or maybe it's because it's dark and your brain isn't trying to discern color, or for some other reason.. but you're acutely aware of everything going on around you - but it also seems so surreal. The lights are a little bit "trippy", and things seem to float a different way. You're caught somewhere in between the state of awake and asleep, but you're neither and both.

My roommate in college, who was not devout, but rather a learned Catholic, once described Purgatory to me as if it were playing cards in a boat for the rest of eternity. I never fully understood what it was she meant. I pictured for myself, a small row boat, wooden of course; the oars, another party on the opposite bench and we're rocking back and forth with the lapping waves. it's dark (why it has to be dark, I don't know - we're dead) and we've got a hand full of cards. I have no idea what card game we're playing.. maybe Hearts or Spades or some other game that requires you to hold a handful of cards. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, but as long as you're playing you never seem to get anywhere... the boat rocks, another hand is dealt... there's no true winner, the game is never over, and the boat never gets anywhere. That's purgatory.

Perhaps, just perhaps, I've died and now I'm stuck in purgatory.

It's not like I haven't had opportunities to die. I've certainly been in situations where I "should" have died - most people would have in that situation, but I didn't. or at least I thought I didn't. And I walked out of the situations basically unharmed. It's not possible to kill the already dead.

There's a movie that I watched not that long ago where the crew is in Purgatory. They somehow know they are dead and they also believe that they're not supposed to be there. They go on an epic journey to get out of purgatory and both simultaneously wake up in the ER, one from a drug overdose and another from slitting his wrists. Even though they actually attempted suicide, they never believed that they were supposed to be there.

I have something to do here. I don't fully understand what it is, but I have something to do. I've thought off and on for the last few years that it was to open up a wellness center, and I still feel inclined to do so. However, I can't seem to make any progress towards that goal. All of my attempts to complete my training have failed or been slowed down or blocked. I keep trying to change my approach but I'm not getting anywhere.
There are other things that I feel like I'm here to do, or at least I want to do, and I'm not moving towards accomplishing any of them either. I'm stuck in a goddamn boat playing cards. Did I mention that I hate cards, AND I hate boats?

I wonder what it all means. I wonder what the purpose of all of this is. Why am I being given the hand of cards (goddamn cards) that I'm being dealt right now? What is it that I'm supposed to learn? Am I fulfilling someone else's karmic debt? What's the answer?

I don't understand a whole lot right now. I'm angry and frustrated a lot of the time. Those are 2 emotions that I'd rather not ever feel. I WANT to move forward. I WANT to make progress, but I'm stuck.
How do I get unstuck?

Never pray for patience

This was one of the lines given to me today by a good friend. I have to say, I never do pray for patience. The Universe is still trying to teach it to me though.

I woke up this morning in a decent mood, which progressed into a foul mood, which progressed into an odd mood, which progressed into a frustrated mood, which progressed into a ......
get the picture?

I really don't know how to feel about anything anymore. Can't seem to get a straight answer. Can't seem to get a break. I really feel like I'm being jerked around... marionette comes to mind. And so, we still hurry up and wait while the rest of the world decides they're going to pull their heads out of their asses.. oh yes.. this is my FAVORITE!

I have to wonder though. If I know what I want to do with my life, when I grow up, whatever.. then why can't I do it? At this point it seems that the circumstances that I'm not willing to give up are my kids. The rest of it can go fuck itself. Call me arrogant, but I don't feel like they'd grow up to be semi-well-adjusted people without me - not that they won't be screwed up anyway.. because after all, if you lived through some of the shit that they did, you'd be screwed up too.. this explains a lot of society.

Regardless, I'm amazed and astounded that we're not further along the progressional wall is the word that came to me, than we are. I can't fathom how things are holding so still. I also can't fathom why I can't seem to find a stick of dynamite when I need one.

How do you break through the walls and boundaries that you've given yourself (or have been given to you)? How do you, despite every bit of crap that you're given, still succeed?

I know I've led a charmed life. It hasn't felt like it for the last few years, but I have. I had decent paying jobs. I hated them, but I did. I was able to go back to school after being out for a while. I have accomplished some things that others can only dream of. Of course they all seem pretty boring to me, but it's true. I feel like I've led a pretty uninteresting life as far as what I hear from others, but it's mine and I'll take it. If I was meant for all of that other stuff, that would've happened too.. and it might, but not so far.
When faced with a shitty situation, it's hard for me to sit and wait to see how things are going to pan out. One thing my jaded little life has told me is that you can't count on anybody to do anything for you. If you do, you're likely to end up in a bad spot and disappointed. This is where I am now.

Once again, I knew that I shouldn't let this happen, and yet I did. Of course, all the plans I have made have been changed. Every time I thought that I was making progress, it got stopped somehow. This is really frustrating. And now, given what could be considered a major bone in progressing me (or other people in relation to me), I still feel like I'm being held back. How much more trauma is necessary before we can move on already? Did I ever say that I'm an impatient person? BTW, admitting that does not mean that I'm asking for patience. While some things may be worth the wait, others aren't, and I don't believe that people should have to suffer just to live their lives.

What does it mean? Why is it happening this way? What do I need to learn from this? If it's not to trust other people - DONE! Got it.. the tick mark has been made on my brain and it is due-ly noted.

What if it's not my lesson to learn though? This goes back to what I was talking about yesterday. Why is it that we have to participate in someone else's lessons? Why do others have to suffer because of our stupidity (or we suffer because of theirs)? I wish I understood these things. Not just that, but I wish that I could stop them. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just smack each other upside the head with 2 x 4s, rather than the Universe doing it, and people would "get" it and be able to stop things before they got out of hand.

I'm walking into "tomorrow" (tomorrow starts after I wake up - clocks rarely mean anything to me - in case you haven't figured that out), and I'm trying to be patient. I've been waiting for what I hope will be a positive answer for 11 months. Patience gets hard after that amount of time. It gets hard for resolution. It gets hard for faith. I'm afraid that I've lost a lot of my faith, simply because things haven't been going "my" way. That may be selfish, but it's true. Throw a girl a bone, will ya? I keep praying that others will see and listen to reason, that they'll see what the issues are and things will make sense for them so that they will just let go and let everybody (including themselves) move on with our lives. I know that I can't "make" that happen, but it's still something that I wish would happen.
is Wishing wrong? Is it pointless? It sure feels that way. But I hope that I'm wrong. I love being wrong in situations like this. I love it when people surprise me and are more and better or whatever than I am giving them credit for. I really hope this is one of those cases.. please please please let it be.

level of insanity - unknown

What is it that sets people off? Why do they operate the way that they do? How is it that you can be up and excited and optimistic one second and down in the toilet the next? As I mentioned to a friend of mine today, when asked how I was doing, everything is shite. His response? is English Shite worse than American Shit? and I said yes, but it goes better with Guiness.

I was in the teller line at the bank today and the very sweet little girl behind the counter asked me how I was doing today. I don't remember what exactly I said, but it was something to the effect of "not good". and then I said that I think that it's going around. She said she understood. And then she looked like she wanted so badly to talk about it, and that maybe she was going to cry, but she couldn't - because she was a teller in a very public banking line.

There's so much suffering right now, so much pain. Why is it that we're all suffering so much? Some think that it's karmic or cosmic or because of the stars. I don't know. It would be nice to have that excuse. Then you'd know that it was going to come to an end - whenever the stars align or disalign again.. or whenever that karmic debt was repaid. It never seems to be that simple though. It's because all of our paths intertwine with each other. They fold and twist and weave together into something that can on ly resemble organized chaos - of course not to us, but to whatever beings cohesively created it. Why is it that we are all having to fulfill parts in each others' paths? Why can't we just fuck our own selves up?

History repeats itself, does it not? Why? Why is it necessary for us to do the same things over and over and over again? Even within the same lifetime? It's like being an Alzheimer's patient repeating the same story and exacting the same erratic behavior.. the only difference is that the Alzheimer's patient doesn't know what they're doing or saying. They don't know that they're being ridiculous. We do. Or at least some of us do. And to the outsiders viewing the illness it's so frustrating and infuriating and just saddening to be watching it occur over and over and over again. There's nothing you can do. You can't beat them into remembering. You can't make them see what they're doing or that it's wrong or misguided or sad or anything. It just keeps happening.

How do we step out of that cycle of repetition? Is it possible to not be someone else's "karmic soulmate"? Is it possible to not have anyone else as yours? Does that mean that we must completely isolate ourselves from other people so we don't fulfill that role (and they don't either)? It all seems to dysfunctional.

I want to break out of the cycle that I've been in for so long. There have been things that I've tried to do to "reset" my life. Some have taken me away from where I was, but I'm not sure I've been reset.. Others have derailed me entirely. Some I feel like have helped me, but I'm still far, far away from where I feel like I need to be. I just really REALLY want to break free.

Last night I talked about wishing on a star. This is so much part of it. I feel like I've exacted enough pain towards some specific others and that they've exacted enough pain on me and the other people in my life. I feel like it's time for this to stop. One gesture is all it will take to start to bring it to a halt. And as much as I wish it were my gesture to make (maybe it is and I'm looking at it all wrong), it's not. Karmic debt paid. Time to move on.

something's got to give

I had the joy and privilege to work with a lovely lady today that has a similar issue as myself. She's a giver. You know us givers. We are more than willing to take care of everybody else and can't seem to find the time (or make the time) to take care of ourselves. Well, she's been nursing an injury for many years and it's really taken its toll on her life.

I empathize.

Today I received some pictures from a friend on facebook of me yesterday. I am so unbelievably fat that I can't even comprehend it anymore. Now, I've been MUCH fatter, but I never wanted to see myself looking this way again. I've made some minor attempts over the last couple of months at trying to make some changes, but nothing has "stuck". Just about the time that I think I'm getting into a groove with working out again, something distracts me or I get really stressed out or something and I take several days off in a row and it's all shot again. Of course I know that it involves more than just exercise, but for me that's a huge component of it. diet is a little bit more forgiving if you're burning that shit off... right?

Well, of course it's not so simple. Why is it that we (I) can't seem to do for ourselves what we know that we need to do? Why do we let things go and get so out of hand?

Weight for me is baggage in the very literal sense. I know why I've gained some of the weight that I'm carrying right now. I KNOW it.. but I can't seem to let it go.
A couple years ago when I was going through what I can now call a very reckless and yet very liberating phase, I lowered my standards to attempt to raise myself up. My calibre of relationships was *ahem* lacking and it really took a toll on me. It took a toll on my health. I let a lot of things go - whether it was my attitude or my body or whatever. It wasn't until that combined with the stress of everything that I thought I was working towards fell apart last summer that I really lost it. I stopped working out and my diet further deteriorated. And now here I sit.. blobular. I have problems breathing. I'm uncomfortable in my skin (again/still) and I don't feel all that great about myself. I certainly don't feel spectacular about my appearance.

Part of this is self-protective. No one will be attracted to me if I'm fat, right? Apparently that's not true - which further disheartens me. Since I seem to only attract men that I'm not really attracted to, why would I want to settle for someone who is attracted to a me that doesn't feel attractive? did you follow that? if so? 500 gold toilet stickers for you! It's one thing to meet someone who loves me for who and what I am, no changes and no expectations. But why not be attracted to a happy version of me - that's the one who feels better about how she looks.  To me that makes better sense. A secure woman is a beautiful woman.

Why is it that I can't take care of myself?

I'm not looking to anyone to take care of me, and yet I reluctantly rely and maybe hope that they will. I know that no one can do this for me - that I HAVE to do it myself. It's so much easier to counsel someone else on what THEY should do, rather than to do it myself. But I KNOW what needs to be done - on many levels.

This is the first exploration on this topic that I will do. What is it that I need to do to be healthy?
is it exercise? is it diet? is it surrounding myself with people that encourage me to be who and what I am? is it to stand on my own two feet without being dependent on anyone or anything else?

I'm challenging myself: In a week I want to feel better than I do now. Whether I accomplish this by working out every day or getting rid of stuff, or surrounding myself with lovely people, or just simply stop consuming sugar/soda - it doesn't matter.. whatever is needed to feel better and be healthier. It's only a week, and from there I can resolve to try another week and another..

Perhaps that information would have been more helpful, YESTERDAY

I know I said that I'd start this on 9/11. Things come up. things change.. excuse excuse excuse.

I guess the only thing I can say is, never assume anything. Making plans is for sissies. And perhaps the whole idea that things will stay the same (or not get worse) is for assumptive morons.

The Universe sometimes has some "interesting" ways of manifesting things that you ask for. It rarely, if ever, goes the way that you expect it to.

For the last, well, close to a year, I've been making the same wish upon a star. Every night that I can see the stars in the sky I make the same wish. It's evolved a little bit, but it's basically stayed the same. Even though I have felt many times that there was no way that my wish would come true, I still made it, and I'm still making it even now.

I have known that there were/are a lot of things in my life that needed to change. I wasn't sure how I was going to change them, but I knew they needed to. I was doing what I thought was the best thing to do to change those things. But I had no clue what was going on in the background. Nothing has been "settled" yet. The shoe has not yet dropped; but it's going to, and I know it.

it seemed like times were so much more simple when I was less aware of what was going on around me. If I had a "problem", I would lay out simple steps to try to change it (not always so easy, but simple) and it would get changed. When I wanted to pay down debts so it would be easier for me to go back to school full time and not work, I spent time doing that - making far more progress than even I expected. When I had clear goals, I came up with clear solutions, and fairly easily accomplished them. Of course there may have been drama, but at this point, I don't remember it.

At this stage in my life, I don't think I can say that there's not drama. LOL. And nothing has been all that simple to fix. The solutions that are being handed to me aren't quite so easy or simple - but I see why they're being handed to me, and I can honestly say, that while I didn't expect it to go down THIS way, and I'm not looking forward to dealing with things going down THIS way, I asked for this. I'm being given what I asked for, and for that I'm really grateful. I asked, and the Universe is answering. And frankly, I am in awe.

I really don't have a clue how I'm going to get through all of this. One path seems so much easier than the other (not that it's easy by any stretch), and I am, frankly, hoping that the "easier" path is the one that I am allowed to take or given or whatever. Either way, this is just the beginning of a long period of work and self-discovery.

Right now, I am at the Universe's mercy and I'm not really comfortable with that. We all hope that we have some measure of control over our lives, and maybe we do.. but it's disarming to feel so out of control of our own decisions. Part of me says to trust and have faith; the other says to run and hide but doesn't know where or how. But overall, the loudest voice is saying to be still, and know that in the end, it will all be ok. I like that voice the best. I hope it's right.

When you wake up in the morning

When you wake up in the morning, you never know what the day is going to hold. Some days start out good and end bad. Some start out bad and end good. And some are a rollercoaster of everything in between. I spend WAAAYY too much time by myself - too much time sitting and thinking, analyzing, working on what I've got going on in my head. Today I'm wearing my favorite T-shirt: "The voices aren't real, but they have some good ideas".

I wrote this a few days ago, and since I'm not willing to sit and write something new today - here's what we've got.

Some days, I wish I could be normal. Not normal, like boring normal - but normal in the sense of like other people. Of course, this is usually about sometihngn like having normal sized feet, or going to bed at a "normal time". Especially the bedtime part, because here I sit writing at 1:30 am and I have to get up at 7. Can you say cranky, boys and girls? I'm NOT a morning person.

I meant entirely to sit in front of the TV and watch some movie on the independent film channel about a prostitute whose phone gets run over by a car, but instead I got sucked into the computer where I offered advice to not one, not two, but three different guys, and participated in one guy's fantasy.

What a bizarre night.

You know that saying "those who can't do, teach"? Well, that applies to me - at least in the sense of relationships.

I've never been much good at them. I tend to be very literal, almost always the dumper, and believe it or not, far too tolerant of being used. It's hard for me to take my perspective about relationship dynamics into my own situations.

I'm the survivor of a 14 year marriage. I guess you could say that it failed, since we're not together anymore - but I grew a TON during the marriage and especially after the divorce. The divorce was one of the most liberating things I've done in my life and even though things have been hard in other ways since then, I don't regret it for a second. I learned that I HAD to follow my intuition about everything that I did. It only took me about 13 years to figure that out. The rest is just time and drama.

Prior to, and since my marriage, my longest relationship was about 4 months. I don't have a whole lot of patience with people and learn fairly quickly that it's not going to work. I've dated some guys that were an ego boost for me. You know those guys that I'm talking about? Much younger, good looking, the guy who was very educated, the adventurer. You know? those guys that make you seem adventurous or provocative or dangerous.. or stupid. Most of them were flings that somehow turned into short term relationships and I realized that I didn't have any business with them. I was into guys that were into me, until I realized that I really wasn't into them. That's when we split up.

I thought I fell in love once. It was an adventurer with amazing energy and all kinds of tales to tell. We had great chemistry and great conversation and well, great other things. But we lacked something really important - that respect that each of us wanted something different from the other. All of those good things that we had paled in comparison to needing to go different directions with our lives. It took me a long time to get over my relationship with him - lots of pain, lots of heartache, and a few demons over my bed.

But having been in so many on/off relationships and being ever the one that lends her shoulder, I guess I've somehow come up with Andrea's canon of relationships. Not just that, but having watched enough people crumble because of them, I figured out what the root of all death in relationships is.. it's fear.

That may sound pretty basic. Isn't fear the root of destruction for everything? Greed? Power? Jealousy? Absolutely. But it makes us do weird things. It'll keep us from getting into and getting out of situations that we want to be in or don't have any business being in in the first place. In the beginning of relationships, most people are so afraid of showing who they really are, that they spend all this time creating fronts and playing games - who am I today? Is it candy and flowers or wanton sex goddess? (Oh wait, this doesn't apply to me.) Nobody wants to show their fat pictures, or tell that you watch Disney channel when your kids aren't there, or that you pick your nose in the shower. You want to put your best 'face' forward. But it's not your face at all. Every once in a while, you find the odd-ball that actually is willing to show who they are, but no one will believe them because they just assume that everybody actually is playing games.

I spend more time talking to people about fear than anything else. They only think we're talking about love. They're afraid they'll never find someone. They'll afraid their partner will leave. They're afraid they won't be able to have a child or that they won't know what to do if they do have one. The list goes on and on. People cling so tightly to what they think they want, and they claim to do it all in the name of love.

In this society, we seem to operate from a place of LACK. This is what I don't have. This is what I want. I WANT. I'm wanton. We're all so afraid of losing, missing, needing, wanting, doing without, that we've completely incapacitated ourselves at what we're really looking for.. oh wait.. looking? maybe that's another one.

I quit looking. "They" (whomever "they" are), say that once you quit looking, you'll find. I don't know that to be true - but I'm not all that worried about it. I suck at relationships. I'm an opinionated, yet very open woman. I'm strong. I don't always play well with others. I'm ruled by fear too.

I never thought I'd fall in love. I was married for 14 years to a man that I didn't love. 14 years!! in a loveless relationship. I don't believe he loved me either. We were 2 stupid kids that got married, had kids, and  woke up one day (well I woke up) and said.. "I deserve better, and so do you". And so I moved on (not quite so easy grasshoppah). I fell in love (at least I thought), and I was devastated when I couldn't sustain it. I could sustain the emotion, but not when it wasn't reciprocated long term. It just killed me.

But all of that has ruled my life.. these past experiences. I can look at everybody else's situation, learn from them, learn from mine even. But when it comes down to it, I'm not there. I'm not in the place of wanting to extend myself to someone else. How can I give my whole Self to someone else and not get lost in it? How can I give my Body, Mind, and Spirit to another - spending day and night with them, sharing everything with them? Nothing remains my own. How can I put up with someone else in my space? I can't even put up with myself in my space. How can I TRUST someone else? Hey, person, unknown person, whomever you are.. I'm giving you untold access to me - everything.. you game for it? Who is willing to say yes and NOT abuse that power?

I can't answer these questions. Part of me feels like I can "wait and see" if someone foots the bill to meet all of my "needs". But the reality is that I don't need anything. I'm stand alone. I come fully equipped with a brain (far too big for my head), a mostly functioning body, enough Energy to power a Universe.. what else could I possibly want? And I think that's part of the battle within myself. Why should I open myself up to someone else?

Of course there's some of the obvious reasons.. like going to bed alone every night; not having anyone to tell my crazy stories to, or better yet have them share the experiences with me; eating alone. You know, that kind of thing. The kind of things that make us want.

Stop the world, I wanna get off

What an emotional rollercoaster this life is. Last week I couldn't wait to hold the pen and this week I can barely hold it. Apparently the bar can always be lowered. There are the traumas (dramas) we face on a day to day basis, right? Just when you think you're at rock bottom, you're not - and rock bottom has become newly re-defined.

I was reminded, this week, of how isolated I've made myself. This is part of the whole relationships aspect of my life that needs serious adjusting. The short version of the story is that my car got totaled and my cat got dead (it's a Heywood Banks song). I needed people that love and care about me around me, and I didn't have them. I had my ex husband driving chauffeur and being just as distant as he ever was (not that I was looking to him for support) and a couple dozen people who love and care about me - but they do so by phone and internet.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for them. I shed more than a few tears at their heartfelt words and reassurances, but it's not the same as being in someone's arms or on someone's shoulders. A compassionate touch makes all the difference - that passing of energy from one person to another... it just can't be rivaled. The week has been a struggle to remember my sense of humor and hope, and not my sense of longing which is so much more profound.

I've spent time in the last day or so trying to figure out how I got this way. Not that I haven't worked on this issue before now.. well, work is a subjective term.. I've spent time thinking about it while driving the car or doing the dishes or whatever... no time ACTUALLY working on it.. The paper hasn't been written "I have no friends" with a "Pros" on one side and a "Cons" on the other. It seems self-evident.

I miss my cat, and I don't miss my cat. She was a pain in the ass. When she was 'healthier', she'd scream at me because there were 4 pieces of food out of her bowl.. and she's go outside the litter box and she'd shed, OMG she would shed EVERYWHERE. At one point I was looking into those creepy dog knitting patterns there was so much fur - although it would be cat and much better by default.. still eeewww! She was old.. Jesus.. 16.. which is old for a cat.. not monumentally old, but old.. and when your old cat get sick and you don't have an extra million laying around (another issue) - you can either wait for them to kick off and hope that they don't suffer, or put everyone out of their misery. I say all of this in jest, because I have to.. It was a horrible decision to have to make.. Very difficult and very painful. The loss of her is painful because of one thing primarily. She was a fixture in my life, and now she's not. It's like losing your best friend who you fight with all the time. Sure they drove you absolutely nuts, but you loved them anyway. Like sisters.

Given how I was raised, and how I've lived my life until this point, that's about the best I've got.

I have to wonder, why I keep people at so much of a distance. I've had friends before, long term, and for the most part we've either parted ways by drifting or there was some abrupt event. I'm not saying that it didn't make me sad - but I think it takes two to keep it going. There are some people that I wish I was still friends with or close with at least, and some that I can easily accept that we are not close for a reason, and that's ok. But I've only had the closeness of a true friend once, and I miss him terribly. Whether we were calling each other at a moment's notice to go hang out on the beach or bitching about each other's relationship status. It didn't matter. He was like my gay(not gay) boyfriend that I could talk about anything with. There wasn't any sexual tension (on my side anyway) and he really did know most of the stuff about me (barring a few private matters of course).

Sitting here, trying to figure out what made me let him in, I'm dumbfounded. I know what made me exclude him and as much as it hurts me to say it, I'm ok with it.

But even as I sit here and try to figure out what happened to make me detach so hard from the rest of the world, I just can't obviously see why I've become such a recluse. I don't go out, hardly ever. I claim it's because I don't want to deal with the possibility of a romantic relationship, or that I don't want to form any new bonds because I really want to leave this area (which is true) and I don't want there to be any loose ends, or for whatever excuse... but the reality is, that's what I want the most. I want someone to be there for me. I'm willing to be there for them. I want that in return.

The issue in some respects is fear. Fear for romantic relationships sure. I don't really know how to be in one. The only one that I've supposedly really been in was so dysfunctional and one-sided that I know I don't want to ever be in anything like that again. Did I say that all of my dating relationships have been that way as well? I may have neglected to mention that. Even the guy that I thought I'd fallen in love with - everything was for his convenience and sense of expression - he didn't think about me, at least not enough to be truly honest, and that hurt me terribly. Why should I want to trust someone in that sense? Of course, the whole partnership thing is a HUGE issue that this is only the tip of.. That's a topic for another day. I know, you can smack me for not dealing with that now.

Self-esteem.. now there's a hot button. What could I possibly have to offer someone, as a friend? Actually, a lot. Once someone is in my circle, they're in my circle. Even my friends that I've lost by time/space/circumstance, I still love them. And if they called me up and asked me for something, I'd do my best to try to accommodate them. That's just how I am. I live and die by my friends, and I expect that in return. Maybe that's why I don't have any... because I never seem to get that in return.

At some point, we realize that no woman is an island. I think I'm there. I'm just not sure how to add to the chain. Making friends/acquaintances is easy. Letting them in is hard. Not much else to offer, I guess.

So, this is one of my issues. Letting people in. I'm challenging myself this weekend, to expose myself to someone (only above the waist) and see what happens. No strings attached, no expectations.

In the Beginning....

Two weeks ago, I realized that my life had surpassed soap opera stage, surpassed country western song, and went straight for made for tv movie. Congratulations! Next on WE, Andrea's life. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get picked up on Oxygen. I realized that if I don't do someting soon, I'm going to be a TV mini-series. Does it get any worse than that?

I could go into ALL the details of the predicament that I'm in and I'm sure, throughout the adventures of my writing, I will. But I won't today. I'll only say this.

About a year ago.. June of 2009 to be exact, my world seemed to fall apart. Of course things were crappy before that. Failed relationships, health issues, career indecision/complications, family problems, etc. It was all there.. BUT, in June 2009, I started on a spiral that got me to where I am now. Here we sit, because frankly who reads or writes a blog standing up, in August 2010 and things are waaay beyond where they were then.

So, this is an emergency. I need a self-intervention. Somebody has to do something. And since I'm the one that's supposed to be in control, I'm taking back control.

I'm giving myself a year. 1 year. 365 days. I figure that things really got out of control over the course of about a year, and so maybe I can get them back under some form of control (Marshal law?) within a year.

Over the next year, officially starting 9/11/10, I will be writing every day, exploring how I got to this point and trying like hell to make some progress.

I have no quantitative goal for this process, except to be in a better place/state than I am right now. I want to come back to this post 9/11/11 and re-read it and say.. "yup, things were fucked up.. but now things are so much better".  That's it.

Here are the topics I'm going to explore over the next year - in no particular order.
Health
friendships
romance
sex
career/education
family
dreams
spirituality

and maybe a few more.

Each day that I write, I'll try to stick to one topic as best as I can - although I make no promises.
Join me, if you dare - it's going to be quite an adventure; maybe we'll all learn something along the way.