I am behind

No truer statement was ever made - at least for how things are at this point in time. Perhaps the only truer statement is I am frustrated. I am.

Every day things are happening "to" me, not with me or for me or maybe even against me, but to me. I find this unfortunate. I experience an endless amount of frustrations. To those people that say "things can always be/get worse", you are right.

Sure it's only the little things. An extra bill here, a lower paycheck there, a phone call, an extra frustration. It all adds up. And when you're already at a point where you feel you can't take it any more - well, then it's monumental. The smallest thing can send you over the edge.

I am VERY tired of harboring this much frustration and hostility.

How does one release all of this irritation? You can only change how you respond to someone so much. Passivity and attempted forgiveness isn't working. Retaliation isn't appropriate.

Is it ok to not so much "go after" someone, but is it ok to go after what should be yours?

I've been taught to "turn the other cheek". In my upbringing that was more likely to be the other ass cheek so it could be beaten, but still. I took it to heart. A soft answer turneth away wrath. But how far is taking that too far? There's a point when people are walking all over you. I feel like I'm at that point. I feel like I'm impotent, and yet I know that I'm not.

The stupid thing is that I'm ALLOWING myself to feel/be this way. And I think this is wrong. At some point we cross the line of standing up for ourselves in the sense of just standing up, and have to take almost an offensive approach to moving forward. It's finding strength to do whatever is possible to get what needs to be done, done. I think I'm there.

I'm finding myself, though, using every excuse (and making some new ones up) to keep from doing things that put me into this position. Maybe I'm afraid that I won't get what I want or accomplishe what I need to, but there's no way for me to find that out unless I try. Yes it's scary. But hopefully I'm in no worse of a position for trying than I would be if I didn't. the only way to hope is to make an effort.

Which reminds me. I need to write an email.