Somewhere in between

You know how you can fall asleep and then wake up but not be entirely awake... your senses are somehow more acute, because maybe you don't have all that baggage of being fully awake to bog you down.. or maybe it's because it's dark and your brain isn't trying to discern color, or for some other reason.. but you're acutely aware of everything going on around you - but it also seems so surreal. The lights are a little bit "trippy", and things seem to float a different way. You're caught somewhere in between the state of awake and asleep, but you're neither and both.

My roommate in college, who was not devout, but rather a learned Catholic, once described Purgatory to me as if it were playing cards in a boat for the rest of eternity. I never fully understood what it was she meant. I pictured for myself, a small row boat, wooden of course; the oars, another party on the opposite bench and we're rocking back and forth with the lapping waves. it's dark (why it has to be dark, I don't know - we're dead) and we've got a hand full of cards. I have no idea what card game we're playing.. maybe Hearts or Spades or some other game that requires you to hold a handful of cards. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, but as long as you're playing you never seem to get anywhere... the boat rocks, another hand is dealt... there's no true winner, the game is never over, and the boat never gets anywhere. That's purgatory.

Perhaps, just perhaps, I've died and now I'm stuck in purgatory.

It's not like I haven't had opportunities to die. I've certainly been in situations where I "should" have died - most people would have in that situation, but I didn't. or at least I thought I didn't. And I walked out of the situations basically unharmed. It's not possible to kill the already dead.

There's a movie that I watched not that long ago where the crew is in Purgatory. They somehow know they are dead and they also believe that they're not supposed to be there. They go on an epic journey to get out of purgatory and both simultaneously wake up in the ER, one from a drug overdose and another from slitting his wrists. Even though they actually attempted suicide, they never believed that they were supposed to be there.

I have something to do here. I don't fully understand what it is, but I have something to do. I've thought off and on for the last few years that it was to open up a wellness center, and I still feel inclined to do so. However, I can't seem to make any progress towards that goal. All of my attempts to complete my training have failed or been slowed down or blocked. I keep trying to change my approach but I'm not getting anywhere.
There are other things that I feel like I'm here to do, or at least I want to do, and I'm not moving towards accomplishing any of them either. I'm stuck in a goddamn boat playing cards. Did I mention that I hate cards, AND I hate boats?

I wonder what it all means. I wonder what the purpose of all of this is. Why am I being given the hand of cards (goddamn cards) that I'm being dealt right now? What is it that I'm supposed to learn? Am I fulfilling someone else's karmic debt? What's the answer?

I don't understand a whole lot right now. I'm angry and frustrated a lot of the time. Those are 2 emotions that I'd rather not ever feel. I WANT to move forward. I WANT to make progress, but I'm stuck.
How do I get unstuck?