I had the joy and privilege to work with a lovely lady today that has a similar issue as myself. She's a giver. You know us givers. We are more than willing to take care of everybody else and can't seem to find the time (or make the time) to take care of ourselves. Well, she's been nursing an injury for many years and it's really taken its toll on her life.
I empathize.
Today I received some pictures from a friend on facebook of me yesterday. I am so unbelievably fat that I can't even comprehend it anymore. Now, I've been MUCH fatter, but I never wanted to see myself looking this way again. I've made some minor attempts over the last couple of months at trying to make some changes, but nothing has "stuck". Just about the time that I think I'm getting into a groove with working out again, something distracts me or I get really stressed out or something and I take several days off in a row and it's all shot again. Of course I know that it involves more than just exercise, but for me that's a huge component of it. diet is a little bit more forgiving if you're burning that shit off... right?
Well, of course it's not so simple. Why is it that we (I) can't seem to do for ourselves what we know that we need to do? Why do we let things go and get so out of hand?
Weight for me is baggage in the very literal sense. I know why I've gained some of the weight that I'm carrying right now. I KNOW it.. but I can't seem to let it go.
A couple years ago when I was going through what I can now call a very reckless and yet very liberating phase, I lowered my standards to attempt to raise myself up. My calibre of relationships was *ahem* lacking and it really took a toll on me. It took a toll on my health. I let a lot of things go - whether it was my attitude or my body or whatever. It wasn't until that combined with the stress of everything that I thought I was working towards fell apart last summer that I really lost it. I stopped working out and my diet further deteriorated. And now here I sit.. blobular. I have problems breathing. I'm uncomfortable in my skin (again/still) and I don't feel all that great about myself. I certainly don't feel spectacular about my appearance.
Part of this is self-protective. No one will be attracted to me if I'm fat, right? Apparently that's not true - which further disheartens me. Since I seem to only attract men that I'm not really attracted to, why would I want to settle for someone who is attracted to a me that doesn't feel attractive? did you follow that? if so? 500 gold toilet stickers for you! It's one thing to meet someone who loves me for who and what I am, no changes and no expectations. But why not be attracted to a happy version of me - that's the one who feels better about how she looks. To me that makes better sense. A secure woman is a beautiful woman.
Why is it that I can't take care of myself?
I'm not looking to anyone to take care of me, and yet I reluctantly rely and maybe hope that they will. I know that no one can do this for me - that I HAVE to do it myself. It's so much easier to counsel someone else on what THEY should do, rather than to do it myself. But I KNOW what needs to be done - on many levels.
This is the first exploration on this topic that I will do. What is it that I need to do to be healthy?
is it exercise? is it diet? is it surrounding myself with people that encourage me to be who and what I am? is it to stand on my own two feet without being dependent on anyone or anything else?
I'm challenging myself: In a week I want to feel better than I do now. Whether I accomplish this by working out every day or getting rid of stuff, or surrounding myself with lovely people, or just simply stop consuming sugar/soda - it doesn't matter.. whatever is needed to feel better and be healthier. It's only a week, and from there I can resolve to try another week and another..
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