What an emotional rollercoaster this life is. Last week I couldn't wait to hold the pen and this week I can barely hold it. Apparently the bar can always be lowered. There are the traumas (dramas) we face on a day to day basis, right? Just when you think you're at rock bottom, you're not - and rock bottom has become newly re-defined.
I was reminded, this week, of how isolated I've made myself. This is part of the whole relationships aspect of my life that needs serious adjusting. The short version of the story is that my car got totaled and my cat got dead (it's a Heywood Banks song). I needed people that love and care about me around me, and I didn't have them. I had my ex husband driving chauffeur and being just as distant as he ever was (not that I was looking to him for support) and a couple dozen people who love and care about me - but they do so by phone and internet.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for them. I shed more than a few tears at their heartfelt words and reassurances, but it's not the same as being in someone's arms or on someone's shoulders. A compassionate touch makes all the difference - that passing of energy from one person to another... it just can't be rivaled. The week has been a struggle to remember my sense of humor and hope, and not my sense of longing which is so much more profound.
I've spent time in the last day or so trying to figure out how I got this way. Not that I haven't worked on this issue before now.. well, work is a subjective term.. I've spent time thinking about it while driving the car or doing the dishes or whatever... no time ACTUALLY working on it.. The paper hasn't been written "I have no friends" with a "Pros" on one side and a "Cons" on the other. It seems self-evident.
I miss my cat, and I don't miss my cat. She was a pain in the ass. When she was 'healthier', she'd scream at me because there were 4 pieces of food out of her bowl.. and she's go outside the litter box and she'd shed, OMG she would shed EVERYWHERE. At one point I was looking into those creepy dog knitting patterns there was so much fur - although it would be cat and much better by default.. still eeewww! She was old.. Jesus.. 16.. which is old for a cat.. not monumentally old, but old.. and when your old cat get sick and you don't have an extra million laying around (another issue) - you can either wait for them to kick off and hope that they don't suffer, or put everyone out of their misery. I say all of this in jest, because I have to.. It was a horrible decision to have to make.. Very difficult and very painful. The loss of her is painful because of one thing primarily. She was a fixture in my life, and now she's not. It's like losing your best friend who you fight with all the time. Sure they drove you absolutely nuts, but you loved them anyway. Like sisters.
Given how I was raised, and how I've lived my life until this point, that's about the best I've got.
I have to wonder, why I keep people at so much of a distance. I've had friends before, long term, and for the most part we've either parted ways by drifting or there was some abrupt event. I'm not saying that it didn't make me sad - but I think it takes two to keep it going. There are some people that I wish I was still friends with or close with at least, and some that I can easily accept that we are not close for a reason, and that's ok. But I've only had the closeness of a true friend once, and I miss him terribly. Whether we were calling each other at a moment's notice to go hang out on the beach or bitching about each other's relationship status. It didn't matter. He was like my gay(not gay) boyfriend that I could talk about anything with. There wasn't any sexual tension (on my side anyway) and he really did know most of the stuff about me (barring a few private matters of course).
Sitting here, trying to figure out what made me let him in, I'm dumbfounded. I know what made me exclude him and as much as it hurts me to say it, I'm ok with it.
But even as I sit here and try to figure out what happened to make me detach so hard from the rest of the world, I just can't obviously see why I've become such a recluse. I don't go out, hardly ever. I claim it's because I don't want to deal with the possibility of a romantic relationship, or that I don't want to form any new bonds because I really want to leave this area (which is true) and I don't want there to be any loose ends, or for whatever excuse... but the reality is, that's what I want the most. I want someone to be there for me. I'm willing to be there for them. I want that in return.
The issue in some respects is fear. Fear for romantic relationships sure. I don't really know how to be in one. The only one that I've supposedly really been in was so dysfunctional and one-sided that I know I don't want to ever be in anything like that again. Did I say that all of my dating relationships have been that way as well? I may have neglected to mention that. Even the guy that I thought I'd fallen in love with - everything was for his convenience and sense of expression - he didn't think about me, at least not enough to be truly honest, and that hurt me terribly. Why should I want to trust someone in that sense? Of course, the whole partnership thing is a HUGE issue that this is only the tip of.. That's a topic for another day. I know, you can smack me for not dealing with that now.
Self-esteem.. now there's a hot button. What could I possibly have to offer someone, as a friend? Actually, a lot. Once someone is in my circle, they're in my circle. Even my friends that I've lost by time/space/circumstance, I still love them. And if they called me up and asked me for something, I'd do my best to try to accommodate them. That's just how I am. I live and die by my friends, and I expect that in return. Maybe that's why I don't have any... because I never seem to get that in return.
At some point, we realize that no woman is an island. I think I'm there. I'm just not sure how to add to the chain. Making friends/acquaintances is easy. Letting them in is hard. Not much else to offer, I guess.
So, this is one of my issues. Letting people in. I'm challenging myself this weekend, to expose myself to someone (only above the waist) and see what happens. No strings attached, no expectations.
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