Never pray for patience

This was one of the lines given to me today by a good friend. I have to say, I never do pray for patience. The Universe is still trying to teach it to me though.

I woke up this morning in a decent mood, which progressed into a foul mood, which progressed into an odd mood, which progressed into a frustrated mood, which progressed into a ......
get the picture?

I really don't know how to feel about anything anymore. Can't seem to get a straight answer. Can't seem to get a break. I really feel like I'm being jerked around... marionette comes to mind. And so, we still hurry up and wait while the rest of the world decides they're going to pull their heads out of their asses.. oh yes.. this is my FAVORITE!

I have to wonder though. If I know what I want to do with my life, when I grow up, whatever.. then why can't I do it? At this point it seems that the circumstances that I'm not willing to give up are my kids. The rest of it can go fuck itself. Call me arrogant, but I don't feel like they'd grow up to be semi-well-adjusted people without me - not that they won't be screwed up anyway.. because after all, if you lived through some of the shit that they did, you'd be screwed up too.. this explains a lot of society.

Regardless, I'm amazed and astounded that we're not further along the progressional wall is the word that came to me, than we are. I can't fathom how things are holding so still. I also can't fathom why I can't seem to find a stick of dynamite when I need one.

How do you break through the walls and boundaries that you've given yourself (or have been given to you)? How do you, despite every bit of crap that you're given, still succeed?

I know I've led a charmed life. It hasn't felt like it for the last few years, but I have. I had decent paying jobs. I hated them, but I did. I was able to go back to school after being out for a while. I have accomplished some things that others can only dream of. Of course they all seem pretty boring to me, but it's true. I feel like I've led a pretty uninteresting life as far as what I hear from others, but it's mine and I'll take it. If I was meant for all of that other stuff, that would've happened too.. and it might, but not so far.
When faced with a shitty situation, it's hard for me to sit and wait to see how things are going to pan out. One thing my jaded little life has told me is that you can't count on anybody to do anything for you. If you do, you're likely to end up in a bad spot and disappointed. This is where I am now.

Once again, I knew that I shouldn't let this happen, and yet I did. Of course, all the plans I have made have been changed. Every time I thought that I was making progress, it got stopped somehow. This is really frustrating. And now, given what could be considered a major bone in progressing me (or other people in relation to me), I still feel like I'm being held back. How much more trauma is necessary before we can move on already? Did I ever say that I'm an impatient person? BTW, admitting that does not mean that I'm asking for patience. While some things may be worth the wait, others aren't, and I don't believe that people should have to suffer just to live their lives.

What does it mean? Why is it happening this way? What do I need to learn from this? If it's not to trust other people - DONE! Got it.. the tick mark has been made on my brain and it is due-ly noted.

What if it's not my lesson to learn though? This goes back to what I was talking about yesterday. Why is it that we have to participate in someone else's lessons? Why do others have to suffer because of our stupidity (or we suffer because of theirs)? I wish I understood these things. Not just that, but I wish that I could stop them. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just smack each other upside the head with 2 x 4s, rather than the Universe doing it, and people would "get" it and be able to stop things before they got out of hand.

I'm walking into "tomorrow" (tomorrow starts after I wake up - clocks rarely mean anything to me - in case you haven't figured that out), and I'm trying to be patient. I've been waiting for what I hope will be a positive answer for 11 months. Patience gets hard after that amount of time. It gets hard for resolution. It gets hard for faith. I'm afraid that I've lost a lot of my faith, simply because things haven't been going "my" way. That may be selfish, but it's true. Throw a girl a bone, will ya? I keep praying that others will see and listen to reason, that they'll see what the issues are and things will make sense for them so that they will just let go and let everybody (including themselves) move on with our lives. I know that I can't "make" that happen, but it's still something that I wish would happen.
is Wishing wrong? Is it pointless? It sure feels that way. But I hope that I'm wrong. I love being wrong in situations like this. I love it when people surprise me and are more and better or whatever than I am giving them credit for. I really hope this is one of those cases.. please please please let it be.