What is it that sets people off? Why do they operate the way that they do? How is it that you can be up and excited and optimistic one second and down in the toilet the next? As I mentioned to a friend of mine today, when asked how I was doing, everything is shite. His response? is English Shite worse than American Shit? and I said yes, but it goes better with Guiness.
I was in the teller line at the bank today and the very sweet little girl behind the counter asked me how I was doing today. I don't remember what exactly I said, but it was something to the effect of "not good". and then I said that I think that it's going around. She said she understood. And then she looked like she wanted so badly to talk about it, and that maybe she was going to cry, but she couldn't - because she was a teller in a very public banking line.
There's so much suffering right now, so much pain. Why is it that we're all suffering so much? Some think that it's karmic or cosmic or because of the stars. I don't know. It would be nice to have that excuse. Then you'd know that it was going to come to an end - whenever the stars align or disalign again.. or whenever that karmic debt was repaid. It never seems to be that simple though. It's because all of our paths intertwine with each other. They fold and twist and weave together into something that can on ly resemble organized chaos - of course not to us, but to whatever beings cohesively created it. Why is it that we are all having to fulfill parts in each others' paths? Why can't we just fuck our own selves up?
History repeats itself, does it not? Why? Why is it necessary for us to do the same things over and over and over again? Even within the same lifetime? It's like being an Alzheimer's patient repeating the same story and exacting the same erratic behavior.. the only difference is that the Alzheimer's patient doesn't know what they're doing or saying. They don't know that they're being ridiculous. We do. Or at least some of us do. And to the outsiders viewing the illness it's so frustrating and infuriating and just saddening to be watching it occur over and over and over again. There's nothing you can do. You can't beat them into remembering. You can't make them see what they're doing or that it's wrong or misguided or sad or anything. It just keeps happening.
How do we step out of that cycle of repetition? Is it possible to not be someone else's "karmic soulmate"? Is it possible to not have anyone else as yours? Does that mean that we must completely isolate ourselves from other people so we don't fulfill that role (and they don't either)? It all seems to dysfunctional.
I want to break out of the cycle that I've been in for so long. There have been things that I've tried to do to "reset" my life. Some have taken me away from where I was, but I'm not sure I've been reset.. Others have derailed me entirely. Some I feel like have helped me, but I'm still far, far away from where I feel like I need to be. I just really REALLY want to break free.
Last night I talked about wishing on a star. This is so much part of it. I feel like I've exacted enough pain towards some specific others and that they've exacted enough pain on me and the other people in my life. I feel like it's time for this to stop. One gesture is all it will take to start to bring it to a halt. And as much as I wish it were my gesture to make (maybe it is and I'm looking at it all wrong), it's not. Karmic debt paid. Time to move on.
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