My mom keeps trying to quote this... but she changes it.. and claims it for her own... I've corrected her a few times.. Bless her heart... I love my mom.. we have a history.. not all of it is good... but we do.. and well, I owe a lot of who I am to her.. good and a good bit of bad...
but anyway..
I wish I could say that I knew for a moment what was going to happen in the next chapter of my life.. I'm still holding out some hope that things will even out and maybe all the work that I've done over the last year plus won't be in vain.. I am still hoping that to be true... but at this point it doesn't look like that's going to come about.. at least not right now... but I don't know... and the book hasn't been written yet and the door hasn't closed and even if it had, it's not that it couldn't be opened again.
I'm sitting here without my glasses or contacts in and hoping that there aren't 80 million typos as I'm writing this, but generally not caring..
My moods have waxed and waned over the last few days.. up and down and further down and back and forth and I honestly wish that I could say I could blame it on hormones or whatever.. but I can't... at least I don't think tha I can... I would honestly like to say that I feel that I currently have the capability to even them out.. but I don't have the slightest idea how to do that..
I want to let go of the drama...
Having said that.. I thought that I had.. I've been TRYING to consciously release/prevent chaotic and stress-producing situations from happening.. I haven't been fully successful.. and there are some that I've not only walked right into - but welcomed with open arms, balloons, and banners.. but I am trying.. to consciously release...
the problem that I seem to be having is letting go of past situations that don't seem to want to let go of me.. I want, quite badly, to move on... I want to be rid of my ex - all of them... and move forward so I can start something new - a new chapter.. I want to walk away from all of the baggage that I've either held onto, created, or sub/unconsciously kept in one form or another.. I want to be rid of it.. I want to stand on my own 2 feet....
Of course I want to take the boys with me.. but I don't consider them baggage.. we've spent a lovely 10+ days together with little/no interference from anybody and it's been really nice.. Perhaps I didn't get quite as much work done.. but that's part of the walking into drama thing.. I was at least in part, conscious of it...
So, how do I do that? How do I release everything from the past and embrace the future.. no looking back and no holding on...No payment for past mistakes.. no penance.. no suffering from poor decisions... how do I do that?
It seems that the only thing that I can do is try to, not erase the past, but end it.. keep the situations from repeating themselves and also cut as many of the ties as possible... One of my friends told me that I'd never truly be free if I had to depend on my ex for financial support. That's true... Even with as hard as things have been with finances recently, I'm grateful that I've been able to survive (granted it's only been 2 months) without his financial support. I want to be able to be completely on my own... if it's student loans temporarily - so be it... I'm ok with that - I think.. but in the long term, I really need to be on my own.. and the only way to do that is to finish my schooling so I can be out practicing for myself...How do I do that given the current constraints that I'm under?
More importantly, how do I dissolve those current constraints?
How do I release his ability to affect what and where I do what I do? Is this something that I just have to sit and wait for? I'd rather not do that.. I'd rather not be forced into patience - hurrying up and waiting for time to pass and concessions to be made.. I'd rather not sit around and hope.. I'm much more comfortable being in action...
How do I do that?
I'm still having problems with the decision that I've made to start this educational program. It's not what I want. I don't have much in common with the people there. They're older and closed minded - which blows my mind.. there's no room for flexibility with them... which I can't fathom.. there are merits and draw backs to almost everything - especially when it comes to medicine.. that's why you have to evaluate each and every case differently... that's the whole point.. that reminds me.. I need to dig out books tomorrow morning - although one is already in the car...
How do I let go.. or better yet - encourage it to let go of me?
(it has to be aligned with my moral and ehtical code).
I find myself hoping or thinking all kinds of horrible things - along with gentler things.. what if he gets hit by a car when he's driving - that would solve everything... what if he is forced to do this or that? what if he has no choice?
I don't like any of those things.. and I don't like the fact that they come to mind... the truth of the matter is that I don't want anything bad to happen to him.. I just want the release.. I just want to be let go...
I've never figured out what it is that I did to make him so angry with me.. the only thing that I can think of is that I never really loved him.. and that's why he's so mad. He's always reacted badly when he was placed in a corner.. never willing to accept any responsibility for anything.. no blame (although I hate the idea of blame)... and I can see why, given that tidbit of information - that he would be angry.. it's fight or flight... wounded animals become crazy and angry and violent.. I get that... but come on.. somethings' gotta give..
I've never done anything to harm him.. I've never gone out of my way to hurt him... I've even lied for him.. to save his face with the kids or other people.. to protect him.. there are some things that I can't lie about or won't lie about and there are some things that I can't protect him from.. if he acts a certain way.. I can't change how someone interprets that.. I just can't.. if they're offended, then they're offended.. I have nothing to do with it...I know he's convinced that I have everything to do with it.. that I am the one that's perpetuating his issues.. but I'm not... it's beyond me... I'm TRYING to stay out of it..
sometimes I sit idly by, waiting for something to change.. hoping that it will change.. hoping that he will change... and he doesn't.. and then I feel like my hand is forced to do something.. and the insanity happens all over again... how do I deal with that? How do I address what's happening without making it worse? Does it need to be worse? is this what's supposed to happen to "finish" this? Something in my heart tells me yes.. but I have to wonder why all of this insanity is necessary...
I never wanted this.. I really didn't.. and I don't.. I wanted a simple life... nice old house.. family... christmas dinners and get togethers.. things that I had but didn't have or vice versa... connectedness that I didn't have... fulfillment that I never saw when I was growing up and haven't yet experienced... that's what I wanted.. and I wanted that for my kids.. and I haven't been able to give them any of this... I have to wonder what they will look back on their childhoods and think... about how miserable it was? god I hope not.
I want them to remember sitting and reading christmas stories.. playing yahtzee and board games on the living room floor... tormenting the cat... going to the santa parade.. doing goofy stuff like dressing up for halloween.. or whatever.. that's the stuff I want them to remember.. not being poor and going without.. not fighting.. not us fighting... that's not what I want.. I also don't want them remembering me being overbearing or him being insensitive... I want them to learn what they need to learn.. not remember the hard times...I think this would be the biggest regret of mine regarding their childhoods.. that they ever felt like they were without... or that they felt fear.. or that they felt like something was missing or amiss...
Not Norman Rockwell... but somewhere between Norman and the Simpsons... would that do?
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